Pills, Pills, Pills*

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A friend of mine recently had a baby that was conceived via IVF. She has been a HUGE resource for me in this whole journey. I don’t think I’d have been able to get through it without her, although I am quite sure she is so tired of me sending her annoying text messages about plastic and gluten.

She went to the world-famous clinic in Colorado that Bill & Giuliana Rancic went to. They are well known because they have great success rates and they also do tons of research themselves. They are worth their cost.

But thankfully for me, I am lucky to get some of her knowledge from them without having to go there!

One of the things she sent me back in April of last year was the supplement protocol that the CCRM patients are on. Up until this point, I didn’t know ANYTHING about supplements and how they could help. It was basically this list she sent and the copy of the It Starts with the Egg book that got me started.

The biggest one is CoQ10. Or as the ladies on the Big Fat Negative podcast like to call it – COCK TEN. This is naturally occurring substance in your body, but there is a lot of evidence that supplementing with more of it can help with egg quality. And at the ripe old age of 42, I need all the egg quality help I can get.

Image credit: @OfficialSaskiaRoell

My doctor told me to take it too, but the CCRM folks want you to take more per day than most doctors suggest. And because it isn’t harmful, I just load up my body on all the COCK TEN I can. Give me all the COCK!

When I started taking it, because I’m cheap and was living with a jobless liar and money was tight, I chose the cheapest version. After reading more about it and listening to more podcasts, I realized that taking the cheaper, ubiquinone version was not as good as the ubiquinol version of it. The ubiquinol is absorbed more easily and is in its active form, so it is an antioxidant, which is good. Your body has to convert ubiquinone into the active form, which apparently gets harder to do as one ages. So basically I switched from one to the other in July or August of last year.

The book (and my doctor) recommends 400 mg per day. But CCRM says 400 mg twice per day, so 800 mg total. So that’s what I do. I do 400 in the morning and 400 in the evening. I do Subscribe & Save for almost all my supplements. I use this CoQ10.

What I’ve learned from my reading and podcast listening, is that antioxidants are key. Oxidative stress is bad for your cells and your body, and especially bad for your eggs and reproductive system. So the key with these supplements is lots of stuff to counteract oxidative stress. Or something. (I should have probably said this before that I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, so please take all my assvice with a grain of salt. This is what I am doing and my doctor knows everything I’m on and has no concerns.)

Other supplements I’m taking, based on advice of people I know and the internet and podcasts:

  • Vitamin C – 500 mg a day – another antioxidant
  • DHA (Omega 3 Fatty Acids) – 1000 mg/day – this is good for reducing inflammation and then is also good for the baby once you get pregnant
  • Freeze-Dried Acai – 1000mg/day – there was a study at CCRM that this helped people who did IVF. I started taking it before I even knew I would move to IVF because I figured another super-power antioxidant can’t hurt. The study is still active and they use their own brand of the supplement, but Google tells me that they used this one before, so that’s the one I use.
  • Bone Builder – One of the podcasts I listen to said that every woman trying to conceive and that are pregnant should take a supplement, usually labeled as a bone quality supplement, with a combination of Vitamin D, Vitamin K2, Calcium and Magnesium. They are all important nutrients and they are also ones your future fetus is going to suck right out of you from the very start, so it’s good to have plenty of them. I also broke a lot of bones as a kid and really didn’t like milk until I got older, so I need all of these nutrients as I can get, especially as I get older. I use this one.
  • Choline – There has been a lot of recent studies on choline and that it is super important for babies and the current recommended dosage isn’t enough. So I’ve been supplementing with it because I want to help this future baby as much as I can and I don’t get enough through food. I use this one which was recommended on a podcast. It also has inositol in it, which is recommended for women who have PCOS (which I don’t), but it is a part of the B vitamin family, so it isn’t harmful. And it can help reduce the risk of gestational diabetes, which I’m at a higher risk of because of my age.
  • Probiotic – There is some research that probiotics help in pregnancy and with fertility. There are lots of the good live bacteria in the reproductive organs, and this just helps keep things all in line. Or something. This article gives a lot more information on it.
  • Vitamin D3 – Vitamin D is a huge thing in fertility. A lot of women in general, especially those of us in the colder climates, don’t get nearly enough. I’ve always had very low levels of Vitamin D. Turns out that can be a reason why a woman can’t get pregnant. So I’m supplementing and my levels have been really good the last few times I’ve been tested. So I’m just staying the course. I use these liquid drops, which are a higher dose of Vitamin D3 and bonus, there are a ton of servings in this little bottle! You just need one drop a day. Also, it kind of tastes like olive oil, FYI.
  • Baby aspirin – I admit, this one I found on message boards on The Bump or something, and have since seen it on all the FB groups I’m in. The idea is that it helps with inflammation, which is a running theme of things we DON’T want when trying for a baby. It’s prescribed a lot for women who have had miscarriages. It’s also supposedly good for blood flow to the uterus and can help make the lining thicker, hence making implantation better. The CCRM handout says to add in Vitamin E too to all of this, but Vitamin E and baby aspirin do similar things, so they say don’t take both. For me, my first IUI, I was taking baby aspirin and my lining was really good at the insemination time. For the second one, I switched to Vitamin E and my lining was much thinner. So I stick with the Baby Aspirin until someone tells me to stop.
  • Prenatal vitamin – I have been taking a prenatal for three years now! I take this one because it’s got iron and DHA. It has folic acid instead of methyl folate, which is the unprocessed form of folic acid. That is why I take a small methyl folate supplement in addition to the prenatal vitamin. The minimum they recommend is 800 mg of folic acid a day, which is what my prenatal has. But the body processes it differently than the pure form of methyl-folate. So it’s kind of like the CoQ10 situation where you may not be absorbing as much as is listed on the bottle, so I figure it cannot hurt to get some additional folate in my body. I also get this through food, so I’m not super concerned about not having enough for the little fetus. This is the one I take.

And now you can see why I needed to buy a special pill case that I can take with me for each day of the week, that separates my pills into AM and PM. My Sunday mornings are spent filling that bad boy up for the week ahead. I use this one because the pills I take are no small pills, so those teeny ones that only hold 2 pills wasn’t going to cut it.

All links are Amazon Affiliate links.

*Sung to the Destiny’s Child Classic – Bills, Bills, Bills

Gaslighting

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Last Saturday when I was working my Instacart shift, there was this very annoying couple grocery shopping together. They were always in the way and they were really just clueless about the hordes of people around them who didn’t care about what kind of diced tomatoes they were choosing. JUST PICK ONE FOR FUCK’S SAKE AND GET YOUR CART OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE!

But then I heard it. I heard him say to her “Oh, calm down”. And she was like “I’m not even getting mad!” And I could see she was pissed and whoooo boy, did I have a flashback moment to this exact scenario with the Lying Liar.

He used to tell me this ALL THE TIME. And it really wasn’t until I was out of that horrid relationship that I realized how fucking controlling he was, and how much of a gaslighter he was and trying to manipulate my every move. And it can all be summed up by those two words that should only ever be told to someone when you’re singing the Taylor Swift song to them.

I’m a very expressive and emotional person. I always have been. I wear my heart on my sleeve and literally tell you how I feel at all times because I have no poker face and am incapable of lying. I’m loud, I talk with my hands, things get me excited, or pissed off and I WILL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. I think this is a super charming part of my being. It’s who I am, and I am 100% unapologetic about it.

So when he used to tell me to calm down, it made me rethink everything I had ever thought about myself. Was I too emotive? Too expressive? Was this a BAD personality trait? Is this why I was single and never in any kind of long term relationship? It must be. So he’s right, I need to take my personality down a notch. Relationships are about compromise, so clearly this needed to be my compromise. In the words of Taylor, I need to calm down.

(I’m cringing just writing this and seeing just how bad it was.)

He used to do other things too. They were always small things. He would comment on my drinking, especially if I got drunk. So I stopped drinking (a lot of it was because of trying to have a baby, so that wasn’t 100% on him, but I did cut back a lot because I didn’t want to hear the comments from him when I did have too much). He would complain because I was loud and dropped things a lot. He’d call me a klutz, a bull in a China shop. And I am! I have been my entire life! I broke bones, I have bruises all the time that I don’t know where they came from, switching to glass food storage containers makes A LOT MORE NOISE. ALSO YOU’RE WELCOME THAT I COOKED EVERYTHING FOR YOU.

But I never said anything to him. I let him go out and get drunk with his friends because he should have. I let him just subtly put me down. I let him turn me into a shell of the badass person that I am. It was all so subtle that I didn’t even realize it was happening.

Looking back now, I mad at myself for not standing up to him. For letting him do all this emotional and mental abuse. For worrying about being mean or not nice.

Compounded with that from Saturday, I heard from him for the first time in two months yesterday. I have him blocked on my phone and my email, but the blocked emails go to Spam and I regularly check there just to make sure I’m not missing something important.

He was being nice. Because he needed something. And I was going to do what he asked, because I am too nice, and then I remembered I didn’t have to do anything. I don’t have to respond because that’s the polite thing to do. I owe him NOTHING. Because as the MFM ladies say, FUCK POLITENESS.

The incident Saturday made me so thankful I’m out of that toxic relationship. It made me happy that somehow I decided enough was enough and kicked his ass to the curb. I am so much better off and I am back to being myself – all loud, emotional and full of opinions. Just as God intended.

Everything’s Coming Up Milhouse

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I hope you all liked my posts with the clean beauty and cleaning products. I’m going to put them all in a page and update as needed. I already forgot a few things, so I’ll be sure to add them. If I have an amazing new product that I try, I’ll be sure to tell you all about it!

Today I have just a few quick hits for you as we head into the weekend.

First, my meds came! They took less than a week to make it here from Israel. I was super impressed. And the packaging is much cuter because it’s also in several different languages.

All I have to do now go pick up some needles from the pharmacy because they don’t ship needles overseas, due to customs issues, which makes sense.

I also need to send my donor’s sperm to my doctor. They can’t start without that, so I need to remember to call tomorrow so they can ship it.

Second, I got a promotion and a raise at work! It was long overdue and I’m so excited! I asked for this almost a year ago and they finally did it! I’m super excited and I’m hoping this means less Instacart shifts in my future.

via GIPHY

Other than that, everything is all set to start with my next cycle, which is in a little over 2 weeks. I’m starting to freak out, just a bit, because of all the needles and shots and the UNKNOWN. But I’m also so excited to get this process started and get myself knocked up!

And now I’m heading to bed with my shea butter on my skin and socks on my hands! Have a good weekend, friends!

Clean Products Part Deux

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When we last left off, I was going on and on and on all about all the clean products I’ve switched to. And you were probably like “how much more could she even have to discuss?” Oh, you have no idea.

via GIPHY

Toothpaste

This is a recent change. I had no idea that toothpaste had bad shit in it. Good Lord these manufacturers. But my dentist recently prescribed a super potent fluoride toothpaste for me and I was wondering if it was something I should be using while TTC and when I’ll be pregnant, and that’s when I fell down the rabbit hole of toothpaste and floss and all the nasty shit these companies add into them. So now I’m using this stuff. It’s fine. I don’t love it. It’s also really expensive for toothpaste.

I also just bought this Jason stuff to try, since it is cheaper, and it markets itself to help with sensitivity, which I need. Although, I am sure at a point in the not so distant future, every single tooth of mine will be a crown and I won’t have to worry about it.

Floss

Also a recent switch. I should go back to NOT flossing so I don’t even have to worry about it. But I’m now a daily flosser, because of aforementioned crowns, so I need something not laced with CHEMICALS.

I haven’t found a good one yet. I tried this one, which is pure silk and biodegradable, which yay. But also, it’s shit. And gets caught in crowns and shreds and breaks. Would not buy again.

This stuff is from the same company and better. But weird. It’s all floopy and like a shoelace, until you tighten it and then it’s like floss. It’s better than the silk stuff.

I also have 2 in my cart at Grove to try that I will let you know about.

Face Cleaner

I use a few different ones. At night, because I am lazy (look, I floss and have no time for other shenanigans), I use this micellar water. It’s got a low EWG rating and works well and it’s better than sleeping in my make-up.

In the shower, I’ve been using the BeautyCounter charcoal bar for over a year. I love it. It makes my skin feel so clean.

I also have used this face soap for when I need to travel and need something that I can pack that is NOT a bar of soap. This stuff is fine too. But I prefer the charcoal bar soap.

Shampoo & Conditioner

I used to always want to use the fancy sulfate-free shampoos and conditioners because I wanted my color to last longer. But those were always more expensive so I usually said fuck it. But all these clean shampoos are sulfate (and paraben) free, so it doesn’t matter anymore! And the one I like best I can buy at Dollar General!

I love this Herbal Essences shampoo and conditioner.

I mostly use the conditioner only. That’s because in my old age, I’ve developed dandruff. And all the good dandruff shampoos are a no go, so I did find this stuff from Carina Organics that is really good. And honestly, I’m not sure I even need it anymore because I haven’t had an issue with the itchy dandruff since switching to cleaner products. Funny how that works.

Soap, Body Wash & Body Lotion

As I mentioned before, I’m a Dove bar soap girl, but it isn’t the best on EWG. It isn’t the worst, but I will switch when I’m out of the 1,000 bars I bought in bulk.

For body wash, I love Everyone. I love this company because they make great products and they are relatively inexpensive and you can get them at Whole Foods. I currently use their body wash, their lotion, their hand soap and their hand sanitizer.

The Everyone lotion is good for everyday lotion, but it isn’t super good for winter dry skin. I have found some others that are a bit thicker and better for Chicago winters. Here are a few I like:

  • Attitude makes excellent, thicker lotions. I have used this one and then this one that is targeted for hands. I didn’t find it much different than their other lotions, so it wasn’t worth the higher price for me. It’s still no O’Keefe’s Working Hands. RIP.
  • The only thing I swear that has gotten my hands through this winter is that I’ve been more proactive about putting lotion, any lotion, on my hands throughout the day, and also this stuff at night. You don’t need much. I put it on and then I put ankle socks over my hands so that I don’t get everything in the bed greasy. It works. And since it’s just me and the cats in the bedroom, I don’t have to impress anyone to get my silky, soft, sock-covered hands.

Tampons

Another thing I never really thought about, but if I’m going to focus on putting good things on my skin, I should think about the stuff I’m putting up my vag. So I just switched to 100% cotton tampons and I order them from Lola. If you want to switch too, you can use my referral link and get $5 off!

Cleaning Products

For cleaning products, I have a few recommendations. You can check EWG’s cleaning products ratings here. To be honest, I’ve just tried to find new stuff as old stuff ran out, so since I never clean, I still have a lot of older stuff. But here is what I have switched (you can get a lot of these cheaper on Grove, which is another plus to signing up with my referral link!):

Dish soap – I tried this Attitude one and didn’t love it, so once I’m out, I’m going to try this ECOS stuff.

All-purpose cleaner – I use this one from ECOS and it works fine.

Window/mirror cleaning – I have this one from Aunt Fannie’s to try, but haven’t yet. I still have some of my Windex.

Dishwasher detergent – I went with this Seventh Generation powder because I don’t like to use packs because of the plastic and I couldn’t find any tabs. I don’t actually mind it. I didn’t think I’d like powder, but this gets my dishes way cleaner than the Finish tabs did.

Stain remover for carpet (for all the cat butthole poop drags) – I like this BioKleen stuff. It isn’t an A rating on EWG, but it isn’t an F. So I call it a win.

Laundry soap – This Biokleen stuff is really nice, you don’t have to use a lot so it lasts a long time, and it doesn’t irritate my skin.

Dryer sheets – Make your own!

Bathroom cleaner – Again, I use this Seventh Generation stuff.

Spray disinfectant – I needed a replacement for Lysol for germs and this Seventh Generation stuff works well. I REALLY hate the smell of thyme, so I wanted one without thyme scent, but it turns out, thyme oil is a disinfectant, so I lost that battle.

Wipes – I use these Aunt Fannie’s wipes, sparingly when I need a wipe, since they are better than Lysol wipes. They do smell super vinegary, so those “scents” aren’t noticeable. But I’ve really tried to get away from using wipes as much, even though they are so much easier.

Now you can see why I had to split it into two posts. OPINIONS, I HAS THEM.

Hopefully this is at least helpful to some of you who are looking to change out some things! I’ll plan to put all this stuff in its own page so there is always a working link you can check out when needed!

Clean, The Cleanest I’ve Been

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After my earlier post, a lot of people* have asked for recommendations on products I use, so I figured I’d at least tell you what I’ve tried and when I like. Disclaimer: these are all Amazon affiliate links so if you click on them and purchase, I get a little bit of money.

The first thing I think everyone should switch out is all your plastic. Get rid of it! Throw it out and buy glass!

Well, don’t throw it all out until you can replace it with glass, but make that your first priority.

I bought this set as my first set and like them. But some of the containers are tiny and there aren’t a lot of lunch-sized ones. So I ended up buying this set of 5 for lunches. They are a decent size and most of what I bring for lunch, minus soup, fits in these. 

Pyrex is the best, really. But their lids don’t seal as well as the other ones, so I mostly use them for storing leftovers or freezing leftovers. I have this set and then this bowls set, since I needed some new mixing bowls that weren’t plastic.

And don’t forget to switch out your plastic cooking utensils, plastic measuring cups and spoons too!

When it comes to beauty products, the first thing I tried to switch (and honestly am kind of still trying) is face moisturizer with SPF. Well, guess what? They don’t make an EWG verified version of it that I have found. I have decided to just add another step in the mornings and use an SPF on top of my lotion.

I have scoured that EWG database, so if you’ve found something, please let me know! And by something, I mean something that isn’t going to cost me $50 a bottle. I was an Oil of Olay girl before all this, so I’m all about the drug store prices.

So far I have tried this stuff, which is decent. It’s fine for summer, basically. But I need something thicker in the winter when it is so dry out.

My current choice is this Rooted Beauty stuff that you can only get through Grove. Which is actually fine because it’s a decent price, works well (I like the regular vs. the sensitive, even with my sensitive skin) and Grove actually has some good products, some less than you’d pay at Walmart. Plus, FREE GIFTS!

If you’re looking to try Grove, you can use my referral link.

Just a note with Grove, you still need to do your research, not everything on there is as clean as they like to think, at least by EWG standards. (I’m looking at you Mrs. Meyers.)

Since my moisturizer no longer has SPF in it, I’ve had to add in an SPF for my face in the mornings. It’s probably better for me to do it this way, anyway, since I need as much SPF as I can get. I am a whiter shade of pale, after all (TM Slynnro). I use this stuff and it is great. A little goes a long way. EWG markets this as an SPF lotion, but I think I need more of a lotion as a base before putting this stuff on.

Eye cream

I started with this stuff and it is fine. But I’m not overwhelmed with it and it doesn’t have any anti-aging stuff in it like hyaluronic acid or anything so I recently switched to BeautyCounter.  We’ll see if I like that one any better. If not, back to the cheap stuff.

Make-up

Here are some of the things I have tried.

Juice Beauty CC Cream. All these reviews said this stuff smelled gross and had zero coverage. I generally feel like Amazon reviewers exaggerate, but they were 100% right on with this. The smell is awful. BUT, I have to say that cleaner products generally have a smell. Probably because they don’t have any fragrance in them.

After this, I switched to Burt’s Bees. Which is like a 2 or a 3 on EWG, so not the best, but WAY better than what I was using. This stuff had ZERO coverage. And for using a full foundation and not a BB or CC cream, I expected WAY more.

This SuperGoop CC cream is actually pretty good. It doesn’t have the best coverage, but using it with powder is OK enough. But if you’re looking for something with SPF, this works.

I wanted to try a foundation with more coverage, so I switched to this Mineral Fusion stuff recently. I actually really like it so far. And this brand makes some good, clean products.

Face Powder

I tried Burt’s Bees, but it was very cakey, and made me look like I was wearing stage makeup. I think maybe because it is mattifying and I’m not super oily. So if you’re oily, maybe look into it.

The one I’m using now is this Mineral Fusion one. I had to buy a brush to use with it, but I like it a lot and it provides good coverage and takes away shine and covers slight imperfections.

Speaking of brushes, since I needed to buy one for this powder, I decided to go for eco-friendly brushes and sponges and ended up getting this one and these beauty blender things.

Mascara

This was my last holdout. I literally just bought some clean mascara two weeks ago because I was like “really? How bad can it be?” Well the one I was using was like one of the worst. I’m not sure why, I refuse to even look. But I bought some new stuff and it is OK. I miss my L’Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes, but this Mineral Fusion stuff isn’t too bad. I just have to put on more coats to get the look of one coat of the L’Oreal, which is annoying when I literally have no extra time in the mornings because I’ve always overslept and I’m usually wasting time cleaning up poopy butt drags on the carpet from the fucking cat.

Deodorant

I could write a whole separate post about the deodorants I’ve tried. I have tried them all. Most of them suck.

This one by All Good is the best! EWG verified and does not leave nasty stains on your clothing. It’s like an actual deodorant that rubs in, not like all those others that are basically a thick lotion that never rubs in and you have pit stains FROM your deodorant and leave chunks of deodorant behind because it just doesn’t rub in. I can’t even tell you how many little balls of natural deodorant I’ve found in my house and around my desk at work from them pilling up and falling out of my shirt sleeve.

I’ve tried the Rose & Geranium and the Tea Tree & Basil. I’m not super crazy about either, but the rose one is a bit better.

I should point out that I have an adverse reaction to baking soda. And basically 98% of the clean, natural deodorants use baking soda as the odor protection. So I’ve tried a lot of those and get a bad armpit rash, so I’ve just learned to steer clear of those.

My first foray into natural deodorant was Native, because I fall prey to all Instagram and Facebook ads. Besides the itchy rash, it was fine.

I then switched to Schmidt’s Sensitive. And for a while, this was my number one choice! I didn’t smell! Even in the summer! But then I noticed it was leaving oily stains on my shirts and dresses, like I had pit stains! Also, this was the worst culprit of the tiny deodorant balls escaping out of your shirt.

Next was Tom’s of Maine. I actually like theirs a lot, but NOT CLEAN, TOM. Why are you a 3 on EWG? What are you putting in there Tom? STOP IT!

Earth Mama – This I thought would be good because it’s for moms and pregnant ladies! Nope, it’s made with baking soda. And also it really pastey and was worse than Schmidt’s with the deodorant balls.

Think Sport – Also made with baking soda. (I don’t know why I didn’t learn.) I didn’t react as badly to this one, but it was also kind of pastey. But I wish the All Good one could take in this chamomile and citrus scent because I loved the scent of this one.

I apparently had a lot of things to say about all these changes I’ve made, so I’ll write up the rest of my recommendations in the next post. Stay tuned!

*one person

Donor Decisions

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Now that I’m cleared for my IVF, things are moving forward. I had always planned on starting in my February cycle, but the relief from not having to take out a ginormous loan is palpable.

My meds are ordered and on their way. They don’t ship the needles for some of the meds, so I have to pick those up from the pharmacy this week.

The last thing I have to do is send my vial of purchased sperm to my doctor before we start the process.

Let me tell you, picking a sperm donor was not something I wanted to do. I put it off like nobody’s business. Not for any particular reason, but more so because it was very overwhelming. You can choose every single detail about the person that you want – height, hair color, ancestry, education, sports they played. And some have photos, and adult photos, and audio interviews! Plus there are several different banks. It’s a lot to process.

Things were made a bit easier for me on 2 fronts. One, I’m CMV negative, so I can only pick a CMV negative donor. That limits my choices by a lot because most people in the world are CMV positive. It’s like a common virus that causes cold sores. And I have never been exposed to it. Two, was this giveaway before Christmas that gave away full access at one of the bigger sperm banks. That meant that all those extras – baby photos, adult photos, staff impressions of the donor, were all included and I wouldn’t have to pay additional for that. So I went with that sperm bank.

The funny thing is I’m not picky at all. All these women in these FB groups I’m in have very particular demands. I was like “are you CMV negative, not a carrier for the 2 rando genetic disorders I’m a carrier for and are you pale?” Seriously, that was it.

I wanted someone with my skin tone so that, hopefully, the baby looks a bit like me. Also as I dove in, I realized, I didn’t want any Alzheimer’s or any addiction in the family history. Other than that? I wasn’t picky.

The one thing I did want was a tall guy, so I narrowed it down to only donors 6-foot and over. That plus the CMV negative really narrowed my choices down to about 10. Of those 10, only like 3 had vials readily available. The others had wait lists, and I didn’t even look at them because I do not have time for that.

My first choice, he was great. I was really ready to pull the trigger. And then I realized all four of his grandparents had Alzheimer’s. And nope. That’s just too much. And yes, I realize I wouldn’t know this if I met a guy off the street and got knocked up, but if I’m PAYING for sperm, I get to be a little picky.

All the others I was pretty meh about. So I decided I needed to maybe take out the height requirement. So I opened that up, and that’s when I found him. He’s 5-9, so not short, but something about him just felt right. He was a cute baby, he’s a handsome adult, and ultimately he’s someone I would hit on at a bar. I’d definitely swipe right on him. (Is swipe right to like them? It’s been a long time since I’ve been on Tinder.)

He’s married and has 2 kids of his own. He was an engineer and decided to then become a special education teacher. The impressions from the staff at the clinic were very nice and sweet. He felt good about being a donor and helping people out. And his wife was looking at possibly becoming an egg donor too. He just seemed like a really good dude.

So that’s it! It wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. I mean, the payment was painful, sperm is fucking expensive! But I’m really excited!

Housekeeping, You Want Me Fluff Your Pillow?

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I really intend to post more than I have. But I run out of time and sleep and catching up on all the Real Housewives franchises always wins out. It turns out that working 7 days a week really tires you out! I’m not 32 anymore and oof, I’m pooped.

I just keep telling myself that it is just preparing me for being a mom because I’m going to have that full-time job in addition to my other full-time job. And I am READY FOR IT!!! I cannot wait!

But anyway, I wanted to give you a few little updates on things.

First, I didn’t win the grant.

I appreciate all of you putting your Care Bear stares out into the universe, but it wasn’t meant to be. All the recipients were couples and I wonder if being a Single Mom By Choice (SMBC) had anything to do with it. I don’t know any of the past winners, but my guess would be that might have had something to do with it. (A lot of the grants I looked up said “couples” so who knows?)

BUT! It’s not all bad news!

Last week I was filling out our online health assessment at work through our insurance provider and decided to just check out the coverage for shits and giggles. I noticed that acupuncture was covered! And I go to acupuncture! So I did a chat with the insurance rep and got the details on that. We will see if they end up covering mine.

But because there was one change, I was like “maybe they cover some of infertility now!” I knew it was wishful thinking, but it never hurts to ask. Last year I double checked with the insurance company myself and they told me “nope! No coverage for you!”

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So color me shocked when the rep I was chatting with was like “why yes! Yes you do have coverage for infertility!” After I woke up from passing out, I was like “say what now?” And she was like “what specifically were you inquiring about?” So I told her IVF and she said that some of it is covered.

I was OVER. THE. MOON! I texted two of my friends at work and then did a happy dance in my cube! But also knowing my company, I decided I should probably verify with them, right? So I did and they brought me back to reality. Nope. Still no coverage for infertility or IVF. Life is a cruel, cruel bitch.

My hopes were dashed. But something in the back of my mind was like “wouldn’t the insurance company know best?” I mean she knew about my acupuncture. She knew what I had paid already toward my deductible. She was IN my account and my plan.

So on Monday I decided to call the doctor and have them re-run my insurance just to see. It can’t hurt right?

They waited until Wednesday afternoon to get back to me. But the news was GLORIOUS! I HAVE COVERAGE FOR INFERTILITY AND IVF!

I couldn’t believe it. I refrained from sending a “neener neener” email to the Benefits person who is WRONG. But figured I’d wait until I was pregnant and do a very Pretty Woman-esque “big mistake, big mistake, HUGE” performance while shaking my pee stick at her.

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It doesn’t cover everything. But instead of tens of thousands of dollars that I need, I’m looking at several thousand dollars. I’m so glad I didn’t pull the trigger last week on that really large loan that was going to be a hard pill to swallow every month when that payment came through!

So it’s happening! Friday I ordered $4,000 worth of IVF medicine from Israel that will hopefully be here in a few weeks. That price tag is HALF of what it would cost if I bought it domestically. I am very glad I have time on my side (FOR ONCE) and can afford to be patient when it comes to the meds and having them shipped.

I’m a go for starting with my February cycle, which will start about 4 weeks from now.

I CANNOT WAIT!!

Finally, which feels kind of douchey now to share after that big news, but with a huge price tag for IVF meds and there is still testing I will have to pay out of pocket for, plus the over $8k I have left over from all the tests and blood work I had done when I DIDN’T have insurance coverage, anyway…

After my #BumpSquad post, some of you talked about shirts. My friend Kelley, who is probably the most generous person I know, offered to make the shirts and put up the money and handle everything and give me a part of the proceeds. Which is A LOT. For anyone. But I also know that it is the loveliest offer.

In the mean time, someone else mentioned a site called Bonfire, which basically does all that. You can list the shirts and a portion of each sale goes to the person designated in the fundraiser. And they handle all the shipping and everything.

So I made a shirt!

And if you are so inclined, here is the link if you want a Bump Squad shirt of your own. NO PRESSURE. Knowing you all are in my corner supporting me is all I need!

Which Came First?

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First off, thank you all for the comments and support with the last post. I did NOT expect that kind of response. You guys are amazing and I could not be prouder and more honored to have you all on my #bumpsquad!

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The thing about infertility is that it feels so isolating. It’s generally just about you or you and your partner and no one really talks about it. It’s very personal, yes, but we talk about all sorts of personal things and don’t bat an eye. But no one really talks about struggling with infertility, even though one in eight women suffer from infertility. One in eight. That’s a lot.

I have been mostly doing all the work on my own, even when I was with the lying liar. He was just of the mind that it would just all work out at some point. Like it’s oh so easy. SEE: ONE IN EIGHT.

Side note: In fact, after our first IUI when his sperm counts were decent, especially since he’s a smoker and six years older than me, he made the comment like “well we know it isn’t my fault!” Yes. Because I haven’t already felt like a complete and utter failure already, since it’s my body failing, why don’t you just point that out and make me feel a million times worse. MAN, am I glad I got rid of that piece of shit!

I’ve read quite a few books on all of this. The one that has been the most eye-opening was It Starts with the Egg by Rebecca Fett. It is just like the title sounds like, talking about our eggs and egg quality and the effect of environmental things on our hormones and thus our eggs. It goes into a lot of the possible reasons why now one in eight women suffer with infertility.

In the book, it talks about all the things we’ve all heard about in the last 5 years or so. Things like BPA and parabens and other cancer-causing additives in our beauty products. I didn’t think too much of these things. I mean, I didn’t use a lot of beauty products, so how bad could it be?

Oh, it’s bad.

Let’s start with BPA.

I figured I was good with this. Because all of my Tupperware and plastic was BPA free! I’m in the clear, right?

NO.

See, those things are only BPA free if you don’t expose them to any heat. So that means heating it in the microwave or putting it in the dishwasher negates all that. And then you’re eating and drinking BPA-laden foods and drinks.

I read this book and I threw out all our plastic. My ex thought I was nuts when I did this and then spent a small fortune on replacing all the plastic with metal or glass. But BPA is a huge hormonal disruptor and can cause egg quality issues. You can’t get pregnant with bum eggs.

Did you also know that BPA is on receipts? Fucking CVS is making a whole generation of infertile women with all their receipts!

Side note: I try to forget this when I’m shopping for Instacart and holding receipts for extended periods of time in my shifts.

Next are parabens and phthalates. These are the things in our beauty products that make them what they are basically. They are the fragrance and the stuff that makes all those beauty products not spoil and last forever. Except they seep into our skin and our blood stream and then disrupt our hormones and then some sciency stuff that I don’t know, but know it can affect your hormones and eggs and those things are bad when trying to get pregnant.

Phthalates are chemicals in everything from plastics to cleaning supplies to beauty products. They are huge hormone disruptors and can affect the quality of your eggs. The FDA knows these are toxic chemicals, they banned them from children’s toys since 2008, but still put them in everything else. Way to go, government!

As a result of reading this book, I decided to go on a really deep dive into every product I use on my person and in my house. There’s an amazing resource called the Environmental Working Group that has a huge database of products that they rate of all kinds of factors, not just hormone disruptors. It’s been a lot of Googling and searching and trying out different things to make it work. If you have a ton of disposable income, you’re set. But I don’t, so finding cleaner things that don’t break the bank has been my mission.

At this point, I’m about 90% of clean products:

  • I replaced all my plastic with glass, metal or silicone, except in a few instances. But if I use plastic, I have new plastic and I don’t put it in the dishwasher.
  • I’ve moved all my beauty products to either EWG verified products, or products that are 1s. Shampoo, conditioner, face soap, lotion, make-up, deodorant, you name it. The only holdout is my Dove bar soap that I use in the shower. It’s a 2, and I’d like to switch it out, but I bought like an 18-pack before I started all this and since it isn’t the WORST, I’ll use those up.
  • I just recently found out that toothpaste and floss are also full of all the bad things and OMG, I just switched those up last week. WHAT THE FUCK, CORPORATIONS? Why are you putting shit into FLOSS?!
  • Cleaning products – I’ve worked hard on these. These are some of the worst offenders. Good thing I don’t like to clean! But I’ve stopped using liquid fabric softener and dryer sheets. I’ve switched detergents, bathroom cleaners and all-purpose cleaners. I don’t use any air fresheners or scented candles. I even recently made my own oven cleaner and started using a DIY dryer fabric softener made out of vinegar and essential oils (that surprisingly works!). Hippie status: UNLOCKED.
  • The worst adjustment for me has been hand lotion. Because of the additional hand washing of all the things, the working with paper bags and receipts with Instacart, plus the dry winter air in the Midwest, my hands are SO. DRY. I’ve tried every EWG lotion out there and none of them do the job of those formaldehyde-laden lotions (RIP O’Keefe’s Working Hands, that shit is DA BOMB!). I finally actually bought rubber gloves to wash dishes and then use shea butter on my hands at night when I sleep, putting socks on my hands because it’s so damn greasy. It seems to have worked. I just have to be super vigilant about using lotion often, even when it doesn’t seem necessary.

The Lying Liar used to make fun of me for all this, and I can see that I went a bit crazy. But I will do anything to improve my odds. It kills me to think of all the damage I’ve done to my body with these chemicals (and all the BOOZE). And what the long-term effects will be, outside of it possibly affecting my fertility. Also, these things are bad for you. Not as a woman trying to get pregnant, not as a child, not as a female, it’s bad for every human. These chemicals are toxic. The choices I’m making now are just good choices for me and my future child, for now and for the future. And they are good for the environment. So it makes me feel good that I’ve taken this step, regardless of the outcome of all of this.

#BUMPSQUAD

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Happy New Year!

I just recently read a book called Am I The Reason I’m Not Getting Pregnant? by Roseanne Austin. I found out about this book in a roundabout way, but I’m glad I did.

Roseanne Austin is a Fertility Coach. She focuses on mindset and that basically getting your mind right, in addition to all the physical stuff, is important in the fertility journey.

I’m a firm believer in that. Your mind is a very powerful tool and it can work for or against you.

One of the things that struck me the most in the book was this idea of a Bump Squad.

A Bump Squad is your team of people who have your best interests in mind. It’s the people you surround yourself with that BELIEVE in you and what you are doing. This is anyone from your friends and family, to your doctors and nurses. She said you need to ask “Does this person believe in me?”

The idea is to then only surround yourself with these people. She gave the visual of a velvet rope. And that your bump squad get to join you on the exclusive side of the velvet rope. It doesn’t mean that the other people can’t be in your life, or that you don’t want them in your life, it just means at this point, they don’t get to be in your inner circle on the other side of the velvet rope. They don’t get the bottle service in the VIP area of DA CLUB, BITCHES!

So your brother who doesn’t think what you’re doing is a good idea? Not in my Bump Squad. My aunt who just doesn’t invite me for Christmas? Not on my Bump Squad. Anyone trying to dissuade me from my dream? Booted from the Bump Squad.

This is really hard for me to enforce. I’m a people pleaser by nature. But if the breakup with the lying liar who lies has taught me anything, it’s that I need to not let people bully me or manipulate me. That I’m not a pushover and you don’t get to dictate how I feel or what I do. That I have feelings and I am allowed to express them, whether you like it or not.

It’s kind of empowering!

This feels like a good lesson for everyone. We should only surround ourselves with people who believe in us. Not everyone has to agree with us, but we should surround ourselves with supportive, non-toxic people. It’s just best for all our sanities.

So let’s make 2020 the year that we surround ourselves with the people who believe in us. Let’s enjoy our time on our side of the velvet rope!

Who’s with me in my Bump Squad?

Supermarket Sweep

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I mentioned in my last post that I took a second job to help with paying for IVF and also because supporting two people on my one salary for basically 2 ½ years was financially draining and I’m trying to recover from it and come out on the other side of it in better place.

(And if you’re reading this and want to tell me I shouldn’t have a baby if I can’t support 2 people on my one salary because babies are expensive, don’t. This is different. Because knowing you’re going to support 2 humans on one salary is a lot different than doing it when someone lies to you about having a job and about money coming in and forcing you to take loans to just pay the bills with all sorts of promises of money coming when nope. There was never any money coming.)

(He’s still been telling me that he is going to pay me back, for several weeks now, and I have yet to see a dime. Because he’s a pathological liar. He cannot. Stop. Lying.)

Anyway, I took a second job. I should have done this months (if not years) ago, but again, promises about the money coming made it seem unnecessary. But almost the minute we broke up, I knew I needed to find more income. And with trying to get pregnant, I wasn’t sure switching jobs was the right choice at this stage. 

I decided to check out working for Instacart as an in-store shopper. Funnily enough, the idea came from the lying liar, who had told me in those times he was without a job, was working for Instacart doing deliveries. I’ve since learned this was all a lie as well.

If you’re unfamiliar with Instacart, it’s basically paying someone to grocery shop for you and deliver your groceries to your door. It’s similar to Peapod, but the people actually shop in your local store, as opposed to a giant warehouse (which I think is how Peapod works).

So that’s what I do! I’m an in-store shopper because I don’t have a car so I can’t do deliveries. I spend my weekends shopping for other people’s groceries. It’s not a bad gig and it pays decent. I have used Instacart in the past when I didn’t feel like grocery shopping and figured I could do it. I don’t mind grocery shopping and I think I’m pretty good and picking out replacements, etc.

When I signed up, I signed up for a store kind of close to my house. But, it hadn’t become an Instacart store yet. So while we waited for it to get up and running, I was assigned to another store. Two months later, I’m still at this store.

It’s not that big of a deal, except it’s not super close to my house. So it’s like a $12 Uber ride to and from. And I can take the bus and train, but a lot of times I’m fucking exhausted, or it is late, so Uber is easier.

The other thing about this store is that is it TINY. Like barely fit two carts down the aisles, tiny. Which isn’t that big of a deal if you’re in there just shopping for yourself in your free time. But I’m not. I’m shopping and being timed. And we have to do orders in a certain amount of time. So not being able to navigate the store is really shitty sometimes.

And here, in no particular order, are the things I now I hate about grocery stores and make me wish we could shop at a warehouse that only we were in so we didn’t have to deal with idiots:

  • Those giant carts that you use for your children, with the cars on them. These things are a MENACE. They are too big and I can’t get past you.
  • Those small little “shopper in training” carts that people let their children push around a CROWDED GROCERY STORE. People. No. Stop doing this. If it is a Monday morning and the store is empty? Have a ball! But on a Saturday afternoon when the lines for the checkout are literally the length of the store? NO.
  • I shop at a store that has a bar and serves alcohol. I’ve had drinks at this grocery store chain before. It’s kind of amazing. Until you’re working as a timed shopper and these assholes with their drinks are just meandering throughout the store and leaving their carts in the middle of the aisles. Booze and grocery shopping DO NOT MIX.
  • Millennials. They grocery shop in packs! Why do you need to do your weekly grocery shopping with 5 of your friends? WHY?? And these groups of people then also hit up the bar and then walk 5-wide through the aisles with no regard to anyone else around them. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

People also assume I work for the store. Which is odd because I’m in a lime green Instacart shirt and not a shirt that says “NAME OF GROCERY STORE” on it. I’m usually as helpful as I can be, as long as they are nice. The rude people get an “I don’t actually work here” response. 

The good thing is that it is usually busy. And in fact, when it’s not, it sucks. Because you’re just sitting. If I’m going to be there, I’d actually prefer shopping. (I had a shift last week that in 4 hours, I only had 3 orders and my ass was sore from sitting so long.)

But it brings in money weekly and it’s helping me get a handle on my finances, so I’m happy about it. Even if I end up looking like this in the grocery store:

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