Seven Weeks

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This week, 3BB is the size of a blueberry! 

The video on the What to Expect app said that the baby has grown 10,000 times bigger than the day it was implanted. That’s crazy to me, since it is still so small!

I feel like my belly shots are going to be like this for several more weeks. And any growth from week to week, is just bloating and all the carbs I’m eating. 

On Monday I had another ultrasound and 3BB is looking good. The heartbeat was 161 beats per minute, according to the ultrasound tech, and that’s really good. I could definitely see the heartbeat this time.

Look how much bigger 3BB is!

This is actually super zoomed in, but still, you can see it taking the shape of a little person even when on normal, with no zoom.

This week the nausea and morning sickness kicked in at full speed. All the books say that most people don’t feel any kind of nausea or have morning sickness until after week 6. I was about halfway through week 6 and was thinking I was going to be spared this, and nope! It came in like a wrecking ball.

Thankfully I haven’t puked (KNOCK ON WOOD). It’s just the all-day nausea, which I’m not sure is any better. But I really, really hate puking, so I will take it so far.

A friend of mine recently had a baby and she puked for like 7 months, so she’s given me lots of tips and tricks to try. 

The biggest thing for me is to eat. Like don’t let yourself get hungry, just eat small meals/snacks throughout the day, every few hours. This has been SO HARD for me. I’ve lived 30-plus years in the diet culture of our world and it has been oddly hard to re-train my brain to just eat, even if I’m not starving, or it isn’t meal time. It’s really hard to get out of that mindset and worrying about calories and thinking about food in a negative way. I hope this helps me get out of that detrimental head space for good when this is all over.

Other than that, I stay hydrated, wear my Sea Bands for a few hours at a time, take vitamin B6 and suck on these candies that help with the nausea (which they oddly do). 

The food aversions are still around and nothing remotely sounds good. I eat cereal, bagels and cream cheese, quesadillas and ice cream. I will never stop being amazed at how weird pregnancy is and how it messes with everything. Hopefully this is temporary and after the first trimester, things get a bit back to normal. That’s August 14, not that I’m counting down the days or anything.

Next week I have my final ultrasound with my fertility clinic and then they release me to the hounds! Not really, just to my OB/midwife. I have my first prenatal appointment with my doctor on July 14. It will be really odd, since you’re not seen every week at an OB in the beginning. The fertility clinic has spoiled me with these weekly ultrasounds.

But after all the tears and headaches this clinic has caused me, I will be MORE than happy to leave them behind and never see them again!

Six Weeks

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First off, ZOMG, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the comments and love and support on my pregnancy announcement. I KNEW once I got a positive that I would tell the internet about it, and ignore the normal “wait until the second trimester” advice, because you guys have been along on this ride with me every step of the way! And I will never be able to express how much I appreciate it. It feels like you’re all with me, and I know there are going to be times when I will need that collective hug from my village.

So again, thank you all for being a part of this village for me!

Anyway, I need to be better about documenting all this because I will need to embarrass my child at a later date with all this info. (Yes honey, I did tell the world wide web about my vagina and uterus.)

So 3BB is doing well. (That’s what I am calling him/her until we know what it is. Yes I’ll be finding out.) Right now I’m about 6.5 weeks along. I’m due February 12, 2022. The one good thing about IVF is you know exactly when the baby was conceived so there really isn’t any question about the due date.

(That isn’t a baby belly yet, that’s just my normal chubby gut.)

3BB is the size of a sweet pea and my uterus is the size of a grapefruit, twice it’s normal size.

I had an ultrasound last week and saw my little baby in there. I even saw the flicker of the heartbeat.

It was so surreal. You spend so much of your time and energy and headspace in the infertility world, and even if you do stay positive, you just kind of stay in the moment and don’t really think too much about moving out of the infertility world and into the pregnancy world. It’s kind of jarring to go right into it. It’s like I don’t feel prepared for it at all, even though I’ve literally been spending years and tens of thousands of dollars trying to get there. 

I feel OK overall. My boobs are insanely sore. And I’m tired a lot of the time. Over the weekend I had a headache and just felt off. It felt like a hangover and I didn’t get to have any of the fun to show for it. I’m thankful to be working from home, and I should be through at least the first trimester, which I am really happy about.

I haven’t had too much nausea, until the other night. I have had to start forcing myself to eat small snacks throughout the day, instead of just a few bigger meals. If I let myself start to get hungry, that’s usually when the nausea is the worst. Years of doing intermittent fasting and now I have to train my brain to eat as soon as I get up.

Speaking of food, the food aversions are so odd. I only can stomach carbs and cheese. I will not touch a vegetable or have one within 50 feet without wanting to puke. I’ve spent so much money at the grocery store the last 2 weeks because I buy what sounds good at the moment. Too bad three days later I never want to eat whatever that was AGAIN. I’m looking at you, GOLDFISH CRACKERS.

But I will gladly take every side effect and symptom. That means 3BB is doing its job in there and growing. And I’m going to relish every second.

I go back for an ultrasound next week and then one more at my fertility clinic before they release me to my OB. 

34 more weeks to go!

#3BBOnBoard

The Results Are In…

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I don’t know why this two-week wait (TWW) felt so much longer than any other TWW. It was literally one day longer, but it felt like time had slowed to a stop and Monday was never going to come!

The Friday before my beta, I had a meltdown and was 99.9% convinced the test was going to be negative and the transfer didn’t work. I had cramps, and they felt a lot more like period cramps. I was also very cranky, like PMS cranky (although that was most likely from the work related emergency after 6 PM on a Friday that put me in a foul mood). I spent several hours in a very negative head space. 

Thankfully, I knew I had acupuncture on Saturday morning and knew that would help me out of that space. I actually woke up Saturday feeling a bit better about everything. The one thing my therapist is always praising me about is that I am always able to come out of the low points. I can be sad, angry, depressed or whatever, but I am very good about owning whatever feeling that is, feeling it, and then coming out on the other side. Because there is nothing wrong with feeling all the feelings. What therapy has taught me is feeling them and learning from them and coming out better on the other side.

Who knew all these years of therapy was actually having some sort of effect? I thought I was just paying money every two weeks to complain to someone.

The hours after acupuncture until Monday morning still dragged, but I was in a less negative headspace, so that was good.

Monday I got up with excitement and headed to the doctor’s office.

Sunday night I upgraded my phone and in my stupidity, didn’t actually ACTIVATE the new phone so it was just a glorified iPod. Which was not good when the way I know to go into the doctor’s office is when they text or call to have me go in. I tried connecting to Wi-Fi, to no avail, and finally decided to go in. Figuring they could kick me out if need be.

Well it turns out their system was down and they weren’t able to text anyway, so it all worked out OK. 

But then of course, my clinic being my clinic, had me come up to the desk and they were all “your appointment for today was actually cancelled. Did you cancel it?” And I was like NO! She said that since it was just a blood draw, they should be able to squeeze me in.

Then literally 5 minutes later the same chick was all “oh, my apologies, it was the appointment on the 4th that was cancelled and rescheduled to today. You’re all set!”

I swear, this clinic could screw up a one-car parade.

Blood work was taken, I used their wi-fi to activate my phone, and I was on my way home to sit and wait for the call.

The wait wasn’t as stressful as I imagined. Because after acupuncture on Saturday, I decided I was going to pee on a stick and test on Sunday. My reasoning was that if it was negative, I wanted to know. I didn’t want to have to sit around and wait for the phone call on Monday to tell me the bad news. And since Sunday was 10 days post transfer, if I was pregnant, the test should show it. Since a typical beta blood test is 10 days after transfer.

Sunday morning, I peed on two sticks. One that was expired, and one I picked up from the dollar store because I wasn’t spending money on something I was convinced was negative.

I followed the directions and waited for it to show two lines. When it didn’t, I told myself to follow the directions and wait the 5 minutes to read the results. In the mean time I was supposed to do my progesterone shot, and almost didn’t do it because I was like “what’s the point?” 

I’ve only ever taken negative tests. I’ve never seen a faint line, never had to send it to someone and ask if they see a line, I’ve never had line eyes. Every. Single. Test has always been stark white negative and no doubt at all in its negativity. 

So when I got this, I sent it to my friend because I was like “that’s a line right?”

And then I sent her the dollar store one, since that test wasn’t expired.

And then I realized that I MIGHT be pregnant. 

I’m in enough FB groups and know enough about home pregnancy tests to know nothing is official until the blood test. This was super faint, so it could have been a chemical pregnancy, so I wasn’t too excited just yet. I was staying cautiously optimistic.

I got the call back from my nurse relatively early on Monday and she shared the good news! I was pregnant! My first HCG level (the pregnancy hormone) was 119.7! They want it over 50, so I was doing good.

I went back on Wednesday and Friday for more follow-up blood tests, to make sure the hormone levels were doubling, which they should be doing early in pregnancy.

Wednesday’s level was 261.24 and Friday’s level was 566.

So the results are in. I’m pregnant! PREGNANT!

It’s so surreal. I still don’t think I have fully grasped the situation. Thankfully my insanely sore boobs constantly remind me!

Next up will be an ultrasound Friday to see how thing are progressing!

We are not out of the woods yet, but I couldn’t not share with all of you. There is no way I could have done this, and no way I’ll continue to be able to do this, without all your love and support. You have all been there for this whole journey, and I cannot wait to share it with you!

#3BBOnBoard

Two Week Wait

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Now that the transfer is over, there is nothing to do but wait. And wait. And then wait some more.

This is the dreaded two week wait, or TWW for those of us in the thick of this. Thankfully when you transfer a 5-day old embryo, the wait is only 10 days. But because my transfer was on a Thursday, and Day 10 falls on a Sunday, I have to wait until Day 11 to go in and test. 

So Monday will be my beta. I probably won’t share either way right away, so don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me on Monday. 

I’m not going to pee on a stick (POAS) before either. I’ve peed on so many sticks and had them come up stark white, very obviously negative, that I don’t want to do that to myself. It is an added mindfuck in this whole mindfucky process that I just don’t need. If I pee and it’s negative, I’ll convince myself it’s wrong and then if it really is negative, I’ll be just as devastated when they call with the blood results. So for me, it’s best to just wait and see what the blood test says. The blood test can detect levels of HCG (the pregnancy hormone) that home pregnancy tests can’t.

I’m trying to keep my mind off of it as much as possible. Which is easier said than done. Thankfully working for GrubHib in the evenings is a welcome distraction.

I’m on tons of progesterone, to make my uterus sticky and keep that baby in there. In the mornings is a shot of progesterone in oil (PIO), injected into the muscle of my butt/hip. It’s pretty unpleasant, mostly because it is such a huge needle! 

But also because it is in oil, so you have to massage it because otherwise you’ll get knots. And injecting into a knot? REALLY UNPLEASANT. 

I alternate sides, although over the weekend I did it two days in a row on the same side and I’m still sore from that. But I think I’ve come up with the best routine with them, which includes using my foam roller to help massage out the knots. It seems to be working OK so far. I’ve been on these for almost two weeks (and will continue until week 12 of my pregnancy if it is positive). 

There is also an oral progesterone pill and then big ol’ suppositories that I have to stick up my hoo hah three times a day. Which, TMI, leads to so much oozing. I am buying stock in pantyliners.

There are a lot of myths and old wives tales when it comes to trying to conceive. Two of the biggest are pomegranate juice and pineapple core. Pomegranate juice is supposed to help thicken your lining and pineapple core has bromelain, which is supposed to help with implantation. In the past, I’ve regularly had a daily glass of pomegranate juice and then after ovulation, I’ve made pineapple core smoothies. I was willing to try anything and everything.

This time I skipped all that. For one, pomegranate juice is disgusting and no amount of watering it down helps. And I also don’t like pineapple either, and smoothies was the only way I could choke it down. Honestly, the relief I felt when I decided to skip it was immense. So I figured the stress of taking those things was outweighing any supposed benefit.

One thing I do, which I do because it is big in Chinese medicine, is keeping my uterus warm. That means I’ve switched to room temperature drinks, try to consume warm foods, and keep my feet warm at all times. When your extremities are cold, blood rushes away from your uterus to warm the hands and feet. So keeping them warm keeps the blood flowing to the uterus which is a very good thing.

Which is why I also put my feet up the wall every night for 10-15 minutes to increase the blood flow to my uterus to keep it nice and warm and a place that a baby wants to be.

(Pineapple socks courtesy of Sarah, who sent me the sweetest transfer day care package.)

The womb and uterus is a sacred place in Chinese medicine. It’s the heart of a women’s body. It’s the home. So you have to care for it, even before you get pregnant. Make it a safe, loving space to nurture your baby.

I’ve also gone full hippy and also recite affirmations each night (when my legs are up the wall) and I do nightly meditations though Circle + Bloom. I’ve really discovered that the mind/body connection is real and these things help me get centered and focus and stay positive. I can feel a difference in my body and my mind when I do these things. I feel lighter and centered.

This time feels different, mostly because I’m more relaxed because I know the routine. (I’m a Virgo. Routines are my happy place.) And I’m hoping that this time IS different and that this time I am pregnant.

(And if not, I’ve got two more embryos on ice: those two that were close on Day 5 made it to blastocysts on Day 6! Although the embryologist said she felt really good about my transfer, so that we would just save these for siblings down the road.) 

Transfer Shitshow

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First off, I want to say how lucky and grateful I am to have such a wonderful community of people supporting me on this journey and all the ups and downs. It means the world to me to have so much support. I’m technically doing this by myself, but I never feel alone.

The infertility journey is such an emotional rollercoaster, even before they start pumping you full of hormones. The term warrior is thrown around a lot in this community and it’s true. Even in the “easiest” journey, there are hiccups and roadblocks and speed bumps and detours and other driving terminology. Not one part of this is linear and to make it through this process you have to learn to roll with the punches and all the shit thrown at you. It’s a lot.

My transfer yesterday was all the ups and downs of an entire journey all packed into one day. It was such a clusterfuck from literally the minute I woke up, but at the end of the day, there is a little embryo all safe and tucked into my cushy uterus, hopefully getting nice and sticky for the next 9 months!

Back to the shitshow! It started when my alarm went off yesterday morning telling me it was time to take my progesterone in oil shot. 

I took yesterday off to relax (hahahahaha!), so I got to sleep in a little bit. I was just putting the vial of PIO under my armpit to warm it up when my phone rang and it was my clinic. My first thought was bad news. That none of the 5 fertilized eggs made it to blastocyst and the transfer was cancelled. Because why else would they be calling?

It wasn’t that, but it wasn’t the best news either. One of the eggs had made it to a blastocyst, but it was graded really low. It was a 2BB. Now the grades can be kind of arbitrary and every clinic could grade the same embryo completely different. The number is rated from 6 to 1, with 6 being the highest. It’s basically how the cells are expanding. A 2 is not the best, because it means that only half of the cells are at the blastocyst stage. You really want a 3 or higher to transfer.

The nurse literally had no other information and couldn’t answer any specifics (THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE THE PERSON TO CALL???), but told me that my doctor recommended transferring it and she could try and get the doctor to call me back to answer more questions, if I would like that.

YES PLEASE.

So then I went to Google. And some of it was bad news, but some of it was good. There were some posts that thawed eggs were slower to fertilize than fresh-out-of-the-ovary ones. And that a 2BB one day, coud be a 4BB the next. The problem was my clinic doesn’t do Day 6 fresh transfers. So it was transfer this one low-graded one, or wait to see how they progress, have them frozen and start this all over again.

I was conflicted. I do trust my doctor. She’s very experienced and has worked in this field for a long time. But part of me was like “are you just trying to placate me and since I’ve already taken all the hormones, might as well transfer it, even though we know it won’t work?” I wasn’t OK with going through it just to go through with it. 

This all happened before like 10 AM. 

Finally the doctor calls. It’s not my doctor, it’s another doctor in the clinic. So I ask her, ask her what the cells look like, are they still dividing, are the odds good it will keep expanding, etc. She says maybe. Nothing is guaranteed. So I ask her if she would transfer it. She says no.

via GIPHY

I’m like “say what?” She said my doctor has more experience with transferring these lower graded embryos and them taking, but she does not so she wouldn’t transfer it. And then she’s like “so do you still want to proceed?”

Then she hands the phone back to the nurse. And I say “well that wasn’t helpful at all.” And finally the nurse says “would you like to talk to the embryologist?” YES PLEASE.

(I’m unsure why this isn’t standard practice. Looking back, my old clinic, ONLY the lab called to talk about this stuff. Because people always have follow up questions. And only people who work in the lab can answer these questions!)

So thankfully the embryologist calls back, the one that has been looking at my eggs all along, and tells me she thinks it looks good. (YAY!) She said that she looked at the eggs at 6:45 AM and that’s when they were graded. But she said all looked really good and that it would probably be a 3BB or 4BB at the time of transfer. (YAY! YAY!) And that they try to only disturb the eggs from the incubator as few times as possible, so that they can grow and expand. She said checking on them too often is like waking a sleeping baby.

WHEW. That was such a relief and I was so glad to have talked to her.

At this point it was time to shower and get ready to go. I did one of the Circle + Bloom meditations to relax me (HIGHLY recommend to anyone going through any kind of fertility treatment and you get 15% off with that link!), then my friend Marisue came to pick me up and we were on our way!

I chose to do the acupuncture before and after the transfer right at the clinic. It’s really great that they offer it. And since my acupuncturist doesn’t work Thursdays, this was the best way to get those sessions in without having to schlep all over the city finding someone to do it.

It was…different. I don’t know much about acupuncture, but I know how it is usually done and this guy didn’t do it that way. He just put in like 5 needles and called it a day. Didn’t check my pulse or anything. I assume he just used standard points, which OK. But for the price they charged, I’d like a little more personalized care.

But it helped. I listened to the same meditation and after that, plus acupuncture, I was completely relaxed and ready to put a baby in my uterus.

I finished acupuncture around 2:20 PM. And then I sat. And sat. And sat some more. Around 3:15 I went out into the hallway to flag someone down because not only had it been almost an hour, you also need a full bladder for the procedure and my bladder was FILLED and was this transfer happening any time soon?

They came in to tell me they were running way behind and that it would be another 10-15 minutes. And the nurse then came in to talk about the procedure and the limitations after it and then she talked about my medications.

She started by telling me to start the estrogen. I interrupted her and told her I had been on the estrogen for 2 weeks. Then she was like “oh, keep taking it then.” Then she said “start taking baby aspirin”, again I interrupted and said I already had been. Then she said to add in the progesterone starting tomorrow. And I stopped her and said my calendar said to start Saturday. And she was like “let me get this straightened out.”

At this point, I lost it and the tears came and I couldn’t stop them. I think I’ve mentioned some of the frustrations I’ve had with this clinic before, but this is just so typical of them. Their communication and lack thereof is horrendous. It seems like one hand never knows what the other is doing. Thankfully I’m an old pro at navigating all this, and advocate for myself and remind them what I need, but on the day of the transfer, a day that needed to be as stress free as possible, this was too much. All my zen from acupuncture was gone. I was amped up and stressed and knew that does not make a good environment for an embryo.

On top of that? When the nurse came back, she came back with the doctor who was doing my transfer. GUESS WHO IT WAS? The one from the morning who said she wouldn’t even bother transferring my embryo. 

FUCKING GREAT.

At this point I was trying to hold back the tears. But she noticed and asked what was the matter. And then I lost my shit. I was crying and yelling and letting them know how awful they made the experience, how the miscommunication was infuriating and that it seemed like they didn’t even know who I was and I was just another uterus.

Their excuse was that even though I was a fresh transfer (meaning the embryo wasn’t previously thawed), it was really a frozen transfer protocol because they weren’t my eggs. So they were giving me medication info based on that.

Well that sent me off again. I mean, how fucking hard is it to take 2 minutes to LOOK at my chart before you come in? I’ve already been waiting an hour, what is a few more minutes? I am a human being and I know that they do lots of these procedures each day, but I should 100 percent not feel like just a number. As if this whole journey hasn’t been stressful enough!

And then I said to the doctor “and honestly, no offense, but after the conversation with you this morning, I really don’t feel comfortable having you do my transfer!” (Reader: She did NOT like that.)

Both the nurse and the doctor then did their best to calm me down, and ease my fears and did apologize because it was bad communication and that was not how they wanted things to be done. Then they gave me my Valium (normal for this procedure, not because I was an angry mess) and went to straighten everything out with the medications before we went back for the transfer.

This is my second transfer during Covid and I have been totally fine doing this all by myself. It’s been empowering, even! But man alive I wished I had someone there with me yesterday during all this.

They finally came back, went over everything with me, calmly, and then it was time to go back. The Valium was kicking in, thank God, so my stress levels started to come down. Once we got into the transfer room, I got to talk to the embryologist and ask about the grade and if it had changed. She said it had! It was now a 3BB!

Then it was time to have someone press an ultrasound thingy on my full bladder, super pleasant. I asked about my lining and they said it was “beautiful!” The doctor, for all her faults, was great and got that little 3BB in there, right in the sweet spot. They showed me on the monitor and you could see the little blob of what will be my baby. 

The nurse said “your baby is already really photogenic!”

I think so too.

Estrogen Me Up, Scottie

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I have a cold.

I haven’t had a cold since probably January 2020. Back when I was an Instacart shopper and was sick all the time from touching all the germ-filled surfaces in a grocery store. (It’s really no wonder this pandemic happened, really, with all the gross out there.)

On Mother’s Day, my mom, sister and my niece Maddie came over to celebrate. It was such a nice day and so nice that since we’re all vaccinated (minus my niece, she’s only 10) we could just hang out like before times. 

But because I have literally not been around many people for 13-plus months, and when I am I usually have 2 masks on, my immune system is not really used to any germs. And apparently my niece, the germ factory, had a little cold when she was here that my body glommed on to and was like “WE WILL INFECT YOUR WHOLE BODY!” 

Which is all that to say I’ve spent the last week with a stupid head cold and because I’m trying to be pregnant here in a few weeks, I can’t take anything for it, so I’m just stuffy and tired. 

I freaked out and went to take a Covid test too, because I was sure I was one of the few people who would get Covid after being vaccinated and then my transfer would be cancelled and I’d have to start all over again.

It was negative. It’s just a cold. 

But in the meantime I had an appointment last week for an ultrasound and blood work. I forgot that they needed to update my labs, so they took like 17 vials of blood. The woman taking my blood wasn’t the most careful and every time she switched vials, she jostled the needle in my vein. It was an excruciating 10 minutes. I hope I never get her again when I have to go in to get blood work.

The ultrasound was to make sure my lining had shed from my period so that I could start the estrogen to then plump up my lining to get ready for implantation.

I’ve had this ultrasound tech before. She’s fine, but she’s also lazy. My left ovary is hard to find. It always is, and I always tell them this. But she doesn’t ever want to take the effort to try and find it. Then she gets mad and irritated when she has to find it. Like look lady, it’s LITERALLY YOUR JOB. And I can’t be the only person with ovaries that like to hide and tilted uteruses. Do your job, lady.

She finally went on my belly to use that ultrasound to find it, which seems like it makes it harder to see, but what do I know? She finally found it, after asking me if I had fibroids and cysts. Which no, I don’t. I literally just had an ultrasound and the nurse said my uterus was “pristine”. This just makes me miss my old clinic and the ultrasound techs who SAY NOTHING. LIKE YOU SHOULD.

Thankfully I got the call that evening that everything looked good and then I could move on to estrogen. I’m using estrogen patches that I change every other day, and then a daily estrogen pill that I have to insert vaginally. This is all old hat, since it’s the same protocol as the last time, but it’s crazy how much you forget about in a year. 

On Thursday I go back for another ultrasound so see how my lining is thickening up. Thankfully, the one thing my body gets right in all of this is a thick lining. So I anticipate my lining looking good on Thursday and hopefully things moving a little quicker than originally anticipated. Last time my lining was thick, but not the 3-layered appearance so they increased my estrogen to get that trilaminar appearance. I assume the same thing will happen this time, anticipating going back early next week to double check that. And once we get there, then the lab goes to work, thawing the eggs and fertilizing them and we all pray we get some really good five-day embryos.

I can’t believe it’s almost here. I’ve been oddly calm about it. Probably because I have been through a transfer before and knowing what to expect, for a Type A Virgo like myself, puts me oddly at ease. Even my acupuncturist on Saturday was like “this is really exciting! It’s almost here!” And I had to kind of think “oh yeah, it is!” You wait so long and there has been so much with deciding on using donor eggs, pestering my HR department and finally  getting insurance coverage, picking a donor, working two jobs to get the money for the donor eggs and then actually getting the whole thing started that it almost felt like it would never get to this point.

But we’re here and getting so close! 

My period that started this whole cycle came on Mother’s Day. I am praying that this was my last period for at least nine months and that Mother’s Day 2022 will be my first. 

Let’s Do This!

#TransferMoon

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My friend Melissa mentioned to me that we should do a one last hurrah before I had my embryo transfer. I was initially not into the idea because I don’t have a lot of money to spare. I’m working a second job to pay the bills, so the idea of taking a weekend off from working the second job, plus going somewhere to spend money was not my idea of a good time.

But the more I thought about it and talked to people, the more excited I got at the idea of a road trip! And since Baby Moons are not only a stupid name, but you also can’t drink on a Baby Moon, I figured this was a good way to have a “last hurrah” before hopefully getting pregnant!

I’m fully vaccinated, and have been since the end of March. My friend Melissa is also fully vaccinated, but she’s also been in my bubble since December when she was staying with me for a short time. So we decided to do it! 

We debated on a few different places that are close to Chicago – Milwaukee, Madison, Michigan, St. Louis and Indianapolis. We ultimately decided on Indy because Melissa had never been there and I hadn’t been since like 2001, when I went on my first road trip with the Niners. That was a work trip, so I wasn’t able to do much since I was on my best behavior since I was the first female EVER to travel on a road trip in a working capacity.

I figured we could leave Saturday morning and just spend one night there, so that way I wasn’t missing too many days doing GrubHub to bring in the extra money, plus keeping it to 36 hours limited the amount of money I could spend.

We left at 8 AM on Saturday and got to Indy around noon. We were able to check into the hotel, so we could change and freshen up before heading out to do some day drinking! I thought it would be weird to be in a hotel, but it was fine. Indiana doesn’t have a mask mandate, but several businesses still do. But that meant that a lot of people didn’t follow the rules, even in the hotel. 

I wore a dress for the first time in a year and a half!

Thanks to Casey, we were armed with lots of ideas of places to go. We decided since we weren’t there long, Saturday would be our drinking day, and Sunday we would play by ear. 

The weather was kind of crappy. It was cool and rainy and dreary. But that didn’t deter us! We hopped into an Uber and headed down to Mass Ave, to drink our way through the City. Our Uber driver was a very handsome widower, who I proposed to when he told us he had several cars, a boat and lived in the richest area of Indianapolis. He did not take me up on my offer.

We started at an Irish Pub, when our first choice of locations didn’t have any bar seating available. The weather was perfect to sit inside at a bar drinking!

We started with a drink and lots of water and then of course had to kick off the celebration with a pickle back shot! It’s probably going to be an early evening when you are doing shots of whiskey before 2 PM.

The bar wasn’t too crowded, which was nice. There was a really odd woman who came in and sat down at the bar near us. She was by herself and started talking to us. Melissa told her I was having a baby by myself and this was my #transfermoon and then this woman was like “that’s so great! Can I give you a hug?” And well, if that isn’t proof that Covid does not exist in Indiana, I don’t know what is. I held my breath and allowed a very quick hug, because I’m way too nice and those pickle back whiskey shots had kicked in.

Our friend Kelley had sent us with a package that we were to open when we were out drinking on our girls’ trip. She sent along some super fun things, like photo booth props, tampon flasks and drink buddies, which were little guys that hung on your glass while you drank. 

She even sent along a photo of her on a stick to carry around with us! 

The bar started to get pretty packed because apparently there was a large wedding that was happening nearby, and everyone came into this bar to pre-party. Thankfully I had my back to most of the crowd, because just now thinking about it gives me hives. So. Many. People. IN A BAR. MASKLESS. IN A PANDEMIC.

The two dudes sitting near us were also part of this wedding, and I struck up a conversation with one of the guys and did a little flirting, which felt nice. I gave him two of the drink buddies and then forced him to give me his number so he could text me photos of all the antics the drink buddies got up to at the wedding. Spoiler alert: I never heard from him. But that was fine, it just felt nice to flirt with a guy at a bar!

We decided to leave this bar and head somewhere new so that we could have some food. I was chugging water along with my beer, so I wasn’t too far gone at this point, but the sun was still out and if we were going to make it to dinner, we would need to eat something. This bar was kind of a blur. I know I had a slider flight, which was AMAZING, and Melissa had some nachos. She was starting to get a little sleepy, so we decided to get outside since the sun had come out and walk around a bit to get some fresh air and maybe some coffee.

We walked past a seafood/oyster place and she perked up and we went in for dinner. I mean, we had just eaten, but oysters are always good! We got a dozen and a few other appetizers. This was the last stop of the night and we were back in the hotel before 10 and in our jammies and passed the fuck out. Which was probably for the best.

On Sunday, we hadn’t made any plans, knowing we could feel like complete shit and not want to do anything. We both have bad backs, and the hotel bed did us no favors, so walking around and exploring was out of the question. So we decided to head over to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway for a tour. And it was 100% worth it!

We did the Kiss the Bricks tour, which takes you on a bus around the whole track, and then you get to get out at the start/finish line, where there are bricks still there from the original all-brick racetrack. It’s a tradition started like 30 years ago that the winner of the Indy 500 would kiss the bricks of the original track as an homage to the past. So of course, in a pandemic, I laid down on the pavement and kissed the ground. With my lips. That tons of other people have kissed.

Good thing I’m vaccinated!

The tour also included admission to the museum, which was really neat. I’ve always wanted to go to the Indy 500. Fun fact, my dad and mom used to always go, way back in the day. My dad worked for Montgomery Ward and they sponsored Bobby Lazier’s car. So he got to go every year and in the pit and everything. 

It was interesting to see how the cars have changed over the years. Plus, they even had a car you could get in to take your photo in! 

I didn’t think I was going to fit, but I did. Although getting out was quite a challenge.

After the speedway, we grabbed some lunch and some dessert and headed out of town.

It was such a great weekend away and so nice to get back to doing normal things again. And it was a great way to celebrate my upcoming embryo transfer!

On The Road Again

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I feel like I need to post more, but there isn’t much going on on my IVF journey right now, so it’s all just kind of hurry up and wait.

I had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork last Thursday morning. The whole point of that is to make sure I have ovulated so that I can start the Lupron shots. I had indeed ovulated, which I already knew, because I know when I ovulate, or at least around the day I ovulate, and my cycles are very regular. The one good thing in all this infertility journey is that my period comes every 26-30 days, like clockwork. 

So last Thursday night, it was time to start the Lupron shots!

Lupron basically stops ovulation. The reason for this is because the way your body works for pregnancy, is that in a natural pregnancy, once you ovulate, if egg and sperm meet and fertilize, then your body starts getting ready for pregnancy, or if they don’t, you gear up for your period.

Because IVF is taking all of that outside of the body and into the lab, suppressing ovulation with the Lupron helps you time everything so that when you stop the Lupron, your body then ovulates and you implant the 5-day old embryo 5 days after stopping the Lupron. (Does that make any sense?)

So basically I’ll be on some dose of the Lupron until a) my lining is prepared and thick and trilaminar and b) they are ready to thaw eggs and sperm and fertilize them to make embryos.

Lupron basically mimics menopause, so it includes all the fun side effects of menopause, like headaches and hot flashes. Thankfully I was on this the last embryo transfer, so I know what to expect. I remember having the worse headache of my life on Lupron the last time. But I don’t remember when it was in the cycle, so I’m just preparing every day for a debilitating migraine. Thankfully, it’s only temporary.

My period is due in a few days, so once it comes, and I’ve shed my lining, I’ll go back to the doctor (tentatively scheduled now on May 13), to make sure my lining is shed, and then I’ll start on all of the estrogen. This includes patches and shoving tiny pills up my hoo hah. But again, I’ve done this before and knowing what to expect really helps me.

Tentatively the doctor has my transfer set for June 2. I think it will be earlier than that, because they are assuming my lining will take 2 weeks to plump up. But last time it took about 8-9 days, so we could be looking at a few days earlier than June 2. But it is all up in the air right now.

This also depends on the eggs all thawing, and my sperm donor’s swimmers fertilizing the eggs and the subsequent fertilized eggs making it to a 5-day embryo. Even more things up in the air!

But I’m staying positive and taking it day by day. When the time comes, we’ll need all the Care Bear Stares on those eggs and those swimmers!

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In other news, my back is doing a bit better. I can take walks and I’ve started doing some beginner/low-impact workouts a few times a week. But I had to stop taking the Gabapentin (the nerve blocker) since it isn’t good in pregnancy, and I have noticed a difference in the leg pain since I stopped taking it. Hopefully it just keeps improving from the steroid injection. I’ve also been amping up on the stretching and core exercises to help, hopefully to make it better, but mostly to not let it get worse.

Toot Toot!

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This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Obviously this wasn’t something I paid much attention to before I realized I suffered from infertility. But as I’ve struggled and learned more and seen others struggle, I realize I wanted to call attention to it.

One in eight women suffer from infertility. I honestly believe it is higher than that, since I know so many people that suffer. But that is a lot of people. And no one ever talks about it. There is such a stigma around infertility and assisted reproductive technologies like IUI and IVF. And there shouldn’t be. Not only does someone you know suffer from it, but these assisted technologies are generally the only way LGBTQ+ people can get pregnant.

Photo credit

But still these procedures are generally not covered by insurance. And even if they are, there are still a lot of out-of-pocket costs that insurance won’t cover. Let’s not even get into the fact that if any of these things were happening to men, there would be no question of coverage.

I am lucky enough to live in an IVF mandated state. Illinois was one of the first states to mandate this coverage, back in the early 90s. But as of right now, only 20 states mandate this coverage. There are also A LOT of loopholes to this mandate, which is why my company didn’t have infertility benefits……until now.

Yep, as of March 1, I FINALLY have coverage for infertility. And how did that come about, you ask? Well I did it. ME. I was a squeaky wheel and got the grease and in turn am going to hopefully help so many people at my company! 

Am I going to toot my own horn? DAMN STRAIGHT I AM.

My organization has over 10,000 employees. So one in eight means that a lot of our employees probably need this coverage. And a lot of them maybe have put it off because of the high cost of these procedures, or like me, they’ve gone into significant debt to pay for these procedures. And maybe, like me, they haven’t been able to try more than once and are still hoping for a baby.

BUT NO MORE!

I decided to write a letter to our HR Department back in September. I assumed it would fall on deaf ears and that nothing would happen and then I would just try, try again. But they didn’t. It took several months. And a lot of following up, but it was added. I am so thankful that they even considered it and even more so, that they did add it, and like most plans, it doesn’t actually increase premiums for employees to add it.

Now, I wish I had done this sooner, but in the thick of my journey, I couldn’t handle this other stress and adding one more thing to my plate. And while this coverage still doesn’t cover donor eggs, it will still cover all the medications and bloodwork and ultrasounds for my embryo transfer. Plus, there is the relief knowing that if the first transfer doesn’t work, I don’t have to come up with another $5,000 to pay for a second transfer, because it will be covered. And since I’m still paying off debt from the Lying Liar™, not having to take out another loan for something makes my stress levels much more manageable, and that is only good for helping me get pregnant come time for embryo transfer.

Which is getting close! I go next week for an ultrasound and blood work to make sure I’ve ovulated and then I’ll start the one medication. After my May period I’ll add in all the other meds to plump up my lining and hopefully we’ll be transferring an embryo at the end of May.

TOOT, TOOT INDEED.

Little Bit of This, Little Bit of That

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When we last left off, I was complaining about my back. Since that last post, I heard back from my doctor re: the MRI and she suggested a spine doctor. So I went and saw him and I ended up crying, so that ended up well.

It actually ended up being OK. But I just have to say, Residents are the worst. I’m all for teaching and learning, but I don’t think Residents should be allowed to diagnose anything without talking to the ACTUAL DOCTOR. And that is what happened to me when this fucking guy told me there was NOTHING wrong with my back and there was no explanation for the excruciating pain I was in. So I cried.

And then this fucker said “oh, you were hoping for a quick fix?” No, jackass. I was hoping there was an explanation for this and that there was something I could do so I could just stand without wanting to cry. So he said “well let me go give my report to the doctor and he’ll come in.”

Thank God for the DOCTOR. Because he came in and was like “yep, see this (pointing to MRI), that’s a disc bulging and pushing on your nerve.” And I was like “wait, so we have an explanation for my pain?” And he said yep! It totally corresponds to exactly what you’re feeling! His recommendation was to do a steroid injection to decrease the swelling and inflammation and go from there.

(He also told me that I have a disc bulge higher up in my spine that should 100% be causing me issues and it isn’t. Bodies are weird, man.)

So I had my steroid injection last week. It went fine. I had zero idea what to expect (my sister has had several and all hers have all been totally different), but it was fine. The radiologist said that the disc bulge actually looked like a bone spur, like the facet joint on my spine was twice the size of what it should be and it was really compressing that nerve. This was the first I had heard of a bone spur, but regardless of what it is, he said the injection should help.

He had a hell of a time getting in there, because the bone spur/disc bulge left a very narrow entry into that nerve area, but after many, many pokes, he got in there. And when he injected the steroid, I felt a sensation go right down my leg, right where the worst of the pain always is, so we know he “hit” the right spot.

The injection takes 7-14 days to really kick in. It’s been 7 days today and I can tell it is better. It’s not 100% better, but I have noticed that there is less shooting pain down my leg when I’m standing. I actually went for a casual walk with a friend yesterday, it was about 2 miles, and it wasn’t horrible. I had to bend over to stretch a few times, but it was noticeably better than before the shot. Before physical therapy and the shot, I couldn’t walk a block without wanting to cry, so this is MUCH better! So yay!

In other news, I bought my donor eggs! It was the most expensive baker’s half dozen eggs, but I am praying it will all be worth it! But it did make me wonder “where’s the Aldi of donor egg banks?” (KIDDING!)

So we’re still aiming for a May transfer! My next step is calling the clinic when I get my April period (which will be in a few days). I can’t believe it’s getting so close!