Is That A Turkey Baster In Your Pocket?

This is a really long post. I couldn’t think how to split it up, so grab a coffee and join me for the ride.

They say after you have an HSG, you’re supposed to be extra fertile and a lot of people get pregnant within 3 months after having one. Clearly that did not happen for me.

I’m not sure why that is. In a Google search, it appears that when they used to use an oil-based dye, it somehow helped with fertility. They don’t use those anymore. It’s now all water based. The other thinking is that it is because it really cleans things out in there. THAT, I can attest to. I had mine right before Mother’s Day and we went up to my brother’s for the weekend. And I remember 2 days after the test, having to borrow a pad from my SIL because this is what was happening:

I had to make my ex stop on the way home so I could use the bathroom at Wendy’s, where I’m pretty sure 20 years of stuck uterine lining escaped out my cervix. It looked like a side of beef in the toilet. (Sorry, TMI.) 

I assumed this would all be great things for me! Clear it out! Make all the space for a baby to implant!

(Now looking back, I thank whatever higher being had decided to NOT make any of this work because I did not need to be bringing a child into the world with that douchebag as the father. Thank you, whoever you are.)

Because of the aforementioned measles booster, I couldn’t start anything for 4 weeks. So that meant that our first go with the IUI would be in my June cycle, which started near the end of the month. That put insemination day around July 4th. 

My doctor had me do a medicated IUI cycle. That’s basically taking hormones and hoping that you will ovulate several eggs at once. (But only up to 3, because they don’t want no Octomom bullshit.) And then giving yourself a trigger shot to force the ovulation so that you can time it all out with the insemination. 

So I started on Clomid. I was on a pretty high dose (100 mg a day), because well, old lady eggs. I had heard all sorts of stories about Clomid and the “Clomid Crazies” from years of mommy blog reading. I was scared. 

I also read lots of tips to help make the crazies less horrible. The biggest one was to take it at night. That way you’re sleeping when most of the hormonal rage would be happening and hopefully it meant maybe you only dream junk-punched your partner, rather than actually junk punching him. Other side effects were hot flashes.

I didn’t have any side effects. I actually just recently talked to a doctor who told me that people who have really bad PMS symptoms tend to be the ones who have the worst side effects from Clomid. Basically because it’s like that PMS hormone in overdrive. I don’t know if this is true (she was a doctor and it made sense!), but thankfully no Clomid crazies here. 

The other part of the medicated IUI process is monitoring. Basically you go in for regular ultrasounds, once at the beginning (which, let me tell you, ultrasounds on the heaviest day of your period is NO BUENO and so, so messy), and then at least one more time as you get close to ovulating. 

In the TTC world (that’s Trying To Conceive for you n00bs), people have nicknamed the ultrasound wand, Wanda. Because Wanda is the person you will ever be the most intimate with. Vaginal ultrasounds are not the best. They aren’t as bad as anything with a speculum, but it’s still something up your vag, rooting around.

PLUS! If you’re like me and have a tilted uterus, it can be a tad more uncomfortable, depending on the day of the cycle. To add even more to this, my left ovary is an EXCELLENT hide and seek player. She can never be found. She is indeed there, despite several ultrasound techs trying to tell me differently, but she is really shy. And sadly, she’s the more active ovary and has the most follicles. So when they have to find her, it’s like someone with a joystick up my vag is playing Mario Kart and is taking a really, really tight turn. It’s really awkward for all involved.

So, I go in at the beginning to see how the follicles are doing and if you’re clear to start the Clomid. In both my IUI cycles, everything looked good and I started the medicine the next day or two days later. Then you take the meds for five days and near ovulation, you come back in again for a follow-up ultrasound to see how you’re progressing.

On my first cycle, I ended up going in two times because on the first one, they were growing, but not big enough yet. But the next day, they had matured enough and we were ready for the trigger shot! So it was a Sunday night, and I gave myself a shot in my stomach and 36 hours later, we were going to head for the insemination on Tuesday morning!

So for those unaware, which I didn’t realize until I started this whole process, an IUI stands for intrauterine insemination. It is basically the doctor inserting a long turkey baster-like thing, through your cervix and then depositing the sperm right inside the uterus. As close to where the eggs will be after ovulation. It takes any guess work out for those swimmers. They don’t have to really do much. Just make it to an egg and fertilize it.

The other part of this, i.e. not the lady’s part, is the sperm that is needed. Guys have to perform on command and give their sample. And my ex was really awful at that. AWFUL. Like his ONE JOB. AND WE KNOW HOW HE WAS WITH JOBS.

(It all actually makes a lot of sense now since I’m sure the stress of LYING ALL THE TIME wasn’t conducive to making sperm that would make a baby that would then cost a lot of money that we didn’t have because of ALL THE LIES.)

On the first IUI, he went into the room and tried to give a sample. He claimed it was super loud and he was distracted. The sample he gave had no sperm in it. I didn’t even think that could happen. And I did hear that from the nurse, so I know that wasn’t a lie. But he probably spit in the cup and called it a day.

(HAVE I MENTIONED THE LIES?)

I was wrecked. All that time and money we spent and he couldn’t do his one job. I get that it is stressful, I do. But for fuck’s sake. WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET WANDA?

They gave us a sample cup and said we could go home and he could try there and then we could come back in the afternoon. This was well past the 36 hours after the trigger shot, so who knew if it would even work.

But he did it! He did his business at home and then we went back to the clinic and had the procedure done. It literally takes a few minutes. It is, again, not pleasant, similar to the HSG and saline ultrasound, since there is something going into your uterus, but it was fine. I was determined to stay positive because this was going to work! 

Looking back now on it, he was completely awful to me that whole day (and the day of the 2nd one, to be honest). I wanted to take a photo and lie on the table for the full 10 minutes like they said to, but he was like “let’s get out of here”. I should have known then.

Then it is time to wait. Since this is no different than just timing sex around your fertile days (the only difference is more than one egg will ovulate), you have to wait for two weeks to find out anything. 

This is aptly named the two-week wait and it is the LONGEST two weeks of your life. It’s not like you could tell any sooner. Maybe a day or two. Because it takes that long for the egg to fertilize, cells to spilt and the embryo to implant in the uterus. Once it implants, it sends a note to your brain to release the pregnancy hormone and tell your body “no more periods for 9 months!” So until that happens, which is like 10 days after ovulation, you can’t tell anything. So you just have phantom symptoms like sore boobs and nausea and cramps. All the things you’d be having at this time if your period was coming. THEY ARE THE SAME SYMPTOMS. IT IS REALLY JUST CRUEL.

The first IUI did not take, obvi. My period came and I was super sad. But I let my doctor know and we were going to skip the next cycle and then try again in mid-to-late August. The reason for this was because I was going on vacation at the end of July and I wanted to enjoy it. And that I did!

The second IUI in August was very much the same. Same medication, same monitoring, etc. This time, the IUI itself was happening on a Sunday morning. This time we had a sample cup for him to make his deposit at home and we would just bring it down with us. Lesson learned!

Except, not so much. That sample again, had no sperm. (Again, he probably spit in it.) But this time, we had a back-up! We had a frozen sample on hand! (He had recently gotten a job and was out of the state for training, so I had him freeze a sample when he was home so I could go through with IUI #2 even if he wasn’t in town.)

So we had to unthaw it, but we were good to go! We waited about an hour and then we were brought back. It was the same deal as last time. Although, this time the person who did the actual insemination was not good at her job. She POKED my cervix with the turkey baster thing and hooooo boy! That was like a fucking electric shock! It hurt like a sonofabitch! But she finally got it to work and we were back in another two-week wait. 

That one also didn’t work out. It felt like it was going to. The symptoms leading up to my period were different. But alas, some higher power knew better. Because just a few days after I got my period and found out it didn’t work, I found out about all the lies he had been telling. I broke up with him, over the phone, the day before my 42nd birthday. The day after starting my third round of Clomid for my third IUI.

And that leads me to where I am today. I don’t need him, but I’m still going to keep trying to have a baby. I have this one shot. I can’t afford multiple rounds of IVF and also I’m 42 and know that time is quickly ticking away. 

But I know that if I never tried, I would regret it for the rest of my life. I owe it to myself to try, regardless of the debt I might go into trying, or regardless of the cost of raising a child. I need to try and be a mother.