Two Months

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I’ve been wanting to post more regularly, and talk more about Elliot and her entry into the world and our first few days. (Spoiler alert: have high BP and be put on magnesium so you can’t get out of bed for the first 24 hours of their life and then the nurses have to change her diaper.)

But we will save all that all that for another day. If only for my wanting to have a record of everything for her as she grows up. This is basically her online baby book. Instead we will post about her because she just turned two months old! (Although by the time I finish this, she’ll probably be 6 months old.)

I can’t believe she’s already been here two months. In some ways, it feels like she’s always been here. I’m sure other moms can understand, but it’s just so weird that this tiny human comes into the world and needs you for everything and you just handle that shit because in your heart you know that THIS is your baby and she was always meant to be here. 

Sometimes at night I’ll just kind of sit in awe of the fact that I’m doing it! I’m taking care of a tiny human and I’m doing a pretty kick ass job, if I say so myself. Much better than I ever imagined I would be doing at this point.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have several moments where things are ROUGH and I lose my shit and wonder why the fuck I ever decided to do this, but thankfully she’s just the best so those moments are few and far between. Well, not that few.

We had our 2 month check-up at the doctor and she’s doing AMAZING! My little peanut, who was just a smidge over 5 pounds when I took her home from the hospital 2 months ago, is 10 pounds. TEN WHOLE POUNDS! She’s jumped from the eighth percentile for weight to the 16th in just a month! She’s chunking up like a pro!

She’s also very long, 22.5 inches at the last appointment, which is almost the 50th percentile. So she needs that chunk for her long limbs.

She got two shots at this appointment, which will protect from lots of diseases. So now that she’s got some protection, we are more open to visitors and going places. Although it’s still a pandemic, so we are staying at home most of the time. Thankfully the weather is starting to get warmer and we can go on walks.

We are formula feeding exclusively and have been since about a month old. The night before her one-month appointment, I had one of those aforementioned moments where I lost my shit. I completely came unglued and was yelling at my tiny baby because she wouldn’t go to sleep and I couldn’t pump. At that point I was maybe getting in 2-3 pumping sessions a day, so not even that much, but when I started screaming and sobbing at a baby, I knew that this wasn’t working. The benefits of breastmilk were no match for a mom who is mentally healthy and present and there for her child. So I decided that next morning I would start weaning. It was a really, really, hard decision, one that still nags me with guilt, but I know, with the utmost certainty, that this was the best decision for me and my girl. And she’s thriving and doing just fine, so it is for the best.

Breastfeeding is hard. Trying to get your milk supply up and breastfeed, while pumping AND giving your baby a bottle of supplemental formula is even harder. Add that to the fact that I’m by myself and it’s ridiculously hard. Every feed I was expected to put her to the breast for a little food, feed her a bottle for the rest and then once she was done, I needed to pump to increase my supply. That basically takes as much time that when you finish pumping, it’s time to start the process all over again. So forget trying to bond, trying to feed YOURSELF and shower and oh, you know, SLEEP. 

And look, I’m no spring chicken. I’m 44 years old. I knew that having a baby at this age was going to add in additional challenges. But I think it also adds in some wisdom because when I got down to it, I chose my sanity and health over breast milk. I don’t know that I would have been as cognizant of my health in this equation if I was younger. 

Ultimately, this was the best decision for me and Elliot. And I don’t worry about bonding or anything. She’s my girl. She knows who her mommy is and her mommy is her favorite. I just hope it is always that way!

Anyway, now time for the real point of this post, Elliot!

At two months she’s not just eating and sleeping now. She’s awake for a few short bursts during the day and we try and fill that time with her play mat so she can look at things and kick those strong legs of hers. We try to do some tummy time, but she hates it. We do most of our tummy time when I’m lying down and she’s on my chest, since that counts and she tolerates that. Until she falls asleep.

She loves looking at shiny things and shadows and her own ultrasounds taped to the fridge. 

She’s indifferent to the cats so far. They are still unsure of her as well, but are adjusting to the new way of life here at Casa Kristabella.

She’s currently in a developmental leap which is making her extra fussy. This leap is when her little brain is starting to process more things. She’s aware of her hands and arms now, and flails them any chance she can get. She can see more and you can see when her brain is processing something new. Thankfully she’s just like her mom and has zero poker face, so I know what’s up just with her amazing facial expressions.

She LOVES the bath. She gets so mad when I take her out when she starts to get cold. She would stay in there all day if I let her. I hope she stays this way. Maybe she’ll be a swimmer!

I go back to work in a few weeks and I’m dreading it. And we are going back to the office, too, for two days a week, so she will be in day care at some point (we’re still trying to get into one). I love spending all my time with her and am already dreading her forgetting me and doing all her firsts in front of people who aren’t me. I should start playing the lottery so I can win and stay home with her forever!

38 Weeks – A Birth Story

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This is a long one, so strap in!

I think at 38 weeks, the baby in utero is the size of a mini watermelon. I wouldn’t know because 3BB came into the world at 38 weeks and 4 days. So I never got around to writing my week 38 post.

It all started on Tuesday, February 1 when I went to my weekly doctor’s appointment and got ready for a pantsless NST test, and planning to spend extra time there for another ultrasound because 3BB would most likely not cooperate with the NST. What I wasn’t expecting was leaving the appointment to go over to labor and delivery and having a baby like 15 hours later.

My blood pressure was elevated when they initially took it at the appointment. That had usually been the case because they make you walk all the way to the back of the office and at many weeks pregnant, that would raise anyone’s blood pressure. But usually it would go down by the second time they took it. That didn’t happen. And then they hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff while we did the NST. We’ve done that before and all was well. But this day was very, very different.

I couldn’t get a normal blood pressure reading. And since I was 38 weeks pregnant, and considered full term, there was no reason to mess around with it. And I’m glad they didn’t. 

I started sobbing as soon as the doctor told me. I felt so stupid, but it was a bit of a shock. I wasn’t planning to have a baby that day. I had so many things I had left to do. And I needed to get my mom to the hospital, and my hospital bags and the car seat. And then I was like “what do I do with my car?”

Thankfully it is probably pretty damn common for women to burst into tears when you tell them it’s baby day, and my doctor and the nurse were very helpful and told me what I needed to do. And when I was driving over to the hospital parking garage, I called in the biggest favor to my friend Marisue, to see if she could swing by my house to pick up my mom and my stuff, and bring them down to the hospital. Marisue is a saint and went above and beyond and got my mom to the hospital safely, and made a special trip to bring me McDonald’s too, which I’m so thankful for because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and they weren’t going to let me eat. And since I didn’t then eat until 7 AM the next day, that double quarter pounder really did the trick and got me through labor.

Have I mentioned that in addition to all this, we were expecting a MAJOR snow storm that night that was going to dump a foot of snow on Chicago?

Actually, in hindsight, it all worked out for the best that it happened when it did. Because if I had gone into labor at home in that snow storm, I don’t know that I would have made it to the hospital and we would have been stranded. And ever since they had predicted the snow, I was seriously panicking about getting stranded. So everything happens for a reason.

Plus I did always want 3BB to be born on 2/2/22. 

I got over to the hospital and checked into triage. They put me in a gown, hooked me up to the blood pressure monitor, put the monitors on my belly to make sure 3BB was OK, and then they ran a bunch of blood work, made me do a urine test and had me do a Covid test. 

Did you know that the barometric pressure can cause women to go into labor? Apparently when there are big storms a-comin’, labor and delivery becomes a hot spot. 

Because of that, there were no labor and delivery rooms, so I was in triage for quite a bit. But it was fine. Once my Covid test came back negative, I was able to take my mask off. And it gave my mom time to get down there and time for the McDonald’s to arrive so I could scarf it down before the labor and delivery nurses told me I couldn’t have any food.

My blood pressure was not cooperating. I actually assumed once I got hooked up, and my mom made it safely, that it would go down and all would be good. I mean, a lot of the high readings had to be due to the fact that my day had gone sideways and that I was going to be delivering a mini watermelon out my who hah in just a matter of time.

I had two or three readings where the top number was over 160. No one came in, so I figured they’d let a few high readings go by, as long as the baby was OK. I was wrong. About 2 minutes later, the nurse came in and told me they were giving me some medicine in my IV to bring my blood pressure down because it was getting scary high. At this point I wasn’t freaking out at all (although I probably should have) because I was blissfully unaware that this was pretty serious and borderline dangerous for me and the baby.

Around 4 PM, we finally got into a labor and delivery room. Once I got in there, I was determined that even though things were not going to plan, I would at least be adamant about several things on my birth plan, before my doula arrived.

Oh, hahahahaha, the universe had other plans in mind.

It started when the nurse was hooking me up to the monitors and I asked for the wireless monitors, the ones that you can move around with, so you can freely move around during labor, but they can still monitor you. I wasn’t so dumb to think they’d let me go unmonitored with high BP, but I know that Northwestern has portable monitoring and I wanted to take full advantage.

No such luck, the nurse said. I was like “say what now?”

Well, because of the BP meds that I needed earlier, I was now going to be put on magnesium. The magnesium helps prevent seizures, which are common with the BP meds. But magnesium makes you prone to falling, so once they put that in my IV, I was confined to the bed. For the rest of the time until the baby came out. 

Yep. I was just told that I had to do the entirety of my labor and pushing from the bed. On my back. There were no ifs, ands or buts about it. 

And then I sobbed. For quite some time. Because I didn’t know how I was going to do it without being able to move. And not being able to use any of the comfort measures that my doula would help to ease the pain. And then I apologized to the nurse for crying and getting upset, because it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just the hand I was dealt. 

So I used the bathroom to pee and poop, the last time I’d be able to stand up and use the bathroom for 48 hours, and just decided to do the best I could.

Magnesium is no joke. The nurse prepared me and told me that the initial dose will make you feel like you’re on fire from the inside. So she brought a bunch of ice water and towels so I could cool myself down. She wasn’t exaggerating. It felt like you were standing under a CTA heat lamp that was inches from your face. Like I literally was convinced the light above my bed WAS a heat lamp and they had to tell me that nope, that was just a regular light and this was the magnesium.

Thankfully that is just with the initial dose and subsides. If I had to deal with that on top of contractions, I think I would have just given up.

The plan was to induce with a balloon. They put one in my cervix and one in my uterus and gave me some medicine that would dilate the cervix and get things moving. The balloons would be in there for four hours and then they would check and see how I was progressing, before moving on to Pitocin.

I was close to 2 cm dilated before the balloon went in. My sister was laughing because she didn’t know they used balloons to dilate/induce, so she was like “oh now 3BB is getting balloons to celebrate in Club Uterus!” That was not funny at the time, but yes, 3BB had balloons to celebrate her coming into the world. As it should be.

They finally put the balloons in around 6-6:30 PM. I had to pee before they did it, which required me to use a bed pan. Have you ever used a bed pan? It is probably one of the worst things ever. Peeing in front of an audience is hard enough, but peeing in front of an audience on a plastic tub you have to squat over uncomfortably is so much worse. Especially when you crack said plastic bed pan, and the plastic ends up pinching your ass while you’re trying not to pee all over your hospital bed that you are confined to.

The doctor and nurse that put in the balloons were very surprised that I didn’t even flinch with the balloons. I was like “when you have undergone several procedures where people jam things up your cervix with fertility treatments, you just kind of get used to it.” So that was a good thing, I guess.

I don’t remember much from the 4 hours the balloons were in. I don’t even remember if they were painful. I think I may have tried to take a nap? Watched bad TV? I remember This is Us was on, and I was a few weeks behind so I didn’t want to pay too much attention so I didn’t have anything spoiled. 

Around 10:30 PM they came in to check my progress. I was dilated up to 4 cm and they were happy with that, so they decided to take out the balloons and move me to Pitocin. They told me Pitocin was going to suck and they were going to ramp up the contractions and things were about to get more painful.

In this time I met with the anesthesiologists that would be doing an epidural, if I so wanted one. They wanted to go over everything while I was still pain-free, to make sure I didn’t have any questions. My biggest question was how long should I wait to make a decision. I didn’t want to decide to pull the trigger and then it be a 30 minute wait and miss my window. Thankfully it’s a big hospital and they said that wouldn’t be an issue. They are in constant communication with nurses and patients to put the highest priority patients first, before someone who has some time to wait. 

My goal all along had been to wait for an epidural until at least 7 cm. I wanted it for the worst part of labor and pushing. I also didn’t want the epidural to slow things down, which can happen. But this was all when I was able to labor OUT of bed. 

I texted my doula when the balloon came out and she said to let her know when I was in active labor and she would head over. She also warned me that without being able to move out of the bed and take advantage of the shower or anything else, labor was going to be really hard and that I should keep that in mind. 

When the balloon came out and I was 4 cm dilated, they broke my water before starting the Pitocin. That was a weird feeling, like peeing myself in bed. Like the bed pan experience all over again.

When the balloons were in, I had some contractions, but they were manageable. They were like period cramps. And I was at least thankful for them because then I knew the balloons were doing something.

Once the Pitocin started, the contractions got a bit more intense. They were still manageable for the most part and several minutes apart, like more than 5, so I knew they weren’t the worst contractions. I curled myself into the fetal postion in bed, just like I would do when I got bad period cramps. My doula suggested I try out the peanut ball, which is a pillow that is shaped like a giant circus peanut, since it can help get the baby in the right position and open my pelvis. 

The peanut ball is not comfortable. I was hoping that it would help relive some of the back pain I was having. That back pain was unrelated to labor, since I still have that herniated disc that causes me issues and lying on my back makes it worse. (Yet another reason I sobbed when they told me I had to lie flat on my back for the duration of labor and couldn’t move around.) I did my best with the peanut ball, but this was when the contractions started to ramp up, so I’m pretty sure I threw the damn thing across the room.

I could see my contractions on the monitor and could see that they were getting worse and closer together. Around 1 AM, so about 3 hours after they took the balloon out, they were starting to get pretty bad. I was breathing through them, but they were getting closer together and starting to become a bit unbearable. 

The nurse was like “want the epidural???” and I was like “I’m just worried it is too soon. It’s only been a few hours since they started the Pitocin.” She said “who knows? You may be like 7 or 8 cm at this point?”

I lasted about a half hour more before I told them to get me the epidural. The pain was bad. It was like your worst period ever cramps bad, at least for me. It was about as bad as the period I had after my failed embryo transfer, which was still to this day, some of the worst pain I’ve ever been in. Contractions were right up there with that. So while I knew I could get through it (I mean I got through those horrible period cramps with just a heating pad and Advil), I didn’t think I wanted to. I actually told my mom after the fact, had I been able to get up and walk around and move through the worst of the contractions, I probably could have done it naturally.

The anesthesiologists came in and got to work. The contractions were not very far apart at this stage, and since I had to be rather still while they put something IN MY SPINE, I mostly just yelled “fuck” really, really loudly, over and over, to get through them. 

Then I got SUPER nauseous and thankfully the nurse handed me a cup so I could use that if needed. I then banged that cup against my head, really hard, whilst yelling fuck over and over, to get through the contractions. 

They had a heck of time getting that damn epidural in. Apparently said herniated disc didn’t help matters. They had to go in a few times to finally get it to work. And man, once it did, the relief was glorious. 

It was at this point that the nurse took a look down at my vagina to get ready to put the catheter in and was like “oh, wow. I think you’re closer than you think, from the amount of blood I’m seeing.” So that made me at least feel a bit better that I hadn’t just progressed like a centimeter or two in that timeframe.

Turns out I was already 10 cm dilated. So they thought I was probably about 9 cm dilated when I got the epidural. Which means I did it!

It also means that I fucking labored, IN BED ON MY BACK WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO MOVE, for basically the whole time without any pain meds. So I will be telling people this for the rest of my life when they tell me about pain. 

NINE CENTIMETERS WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL! 

It worked out so perfectly because I got the meds in time to push, which was what I wanted since I knew that pushing was hard and took a lot of energy and I knew being able to do it and not be thinking about the pain was going to make it easier for me.

Finally around 2 AM, they said it was time to start pushing. I was still in shock, that as my first time, it was literally like 4 hours from 4 cm to fully dilated and pushing. I was totally expecting that part to take 8-10 hours. 

I called my doula and let her know it was go time. But as I mentioned before, there was a blizzard and the plows hadn’t been out at all since the snow started, so she was unable to get to the hospital. And I didn’t want her to risk her safety either. In hindsight, she probably wouldn’t have made it in time even if the weather was fine. 

So I was doing this without a doula.

Once I started pushing was when it got scary. I pushed a few times, and there was some distress with the baby. They don’t tell you much as it is going on, plus I was totally exhausted, but it sounded like when I was pushing, there was some distress and they thought that maybe 3BB was on the cord or that the cord was wrapped around her. 

So at this point, I think every single person who worked in the hospital in labor and delivery came into the room. They wanted to get 3BB hooked up to an internal monitor to make sure she was OK. They made me get onto all fours and they put the electrodes into my vagina and attached them to her head.

But that didn’t go smoothly and there was some more distress and then they couldn’t get the monitor working so they didn’t know if it was the monitor or that she was unresponsive. So while I was trying to stay calm, I was also panicking out of my mind hoping that 3BB was OK. It was at this point that I was 1000000% convinced I was going to have an emergency c-section. And I didn’t even care. I just worried about my 3BB and getting her out safely.

They got the monitor on and had me roll over onto my side to start pushing.

Here is where I talk about how much of a rock star my mom was! I asked her to be there for the birth, but to be there as my mom and to take photos. She wasn’t meant to take part in any of it, or help in any ways. But once my doula couldn’t make it, she was thrown into the role of helping me push and staring at my lady bits for way longer than any daughter would ever want. But she did it, and she was there holding my leg while I pushed! 

Once I started pushing, things got scary again. Apparently 3BB wasn’t completely descended into the cervix, and was just kind of floating up above it and “dancing”, one last song at Club Uterus before leaving, I guess! So apparently when I pushed, it caused her some distress and her heartrate was crazy.

I only pushed like 4 times, I think. The doctor that was on call was AMAZING! Plus, the midwife that was on call was there too, so I even got to have that extra person! After what seemed like 5 minutes, but was probably 15, they had me do one last push and then she was out! And she had a wire attached to her and I remember my first thought being “why is she plugged in?” Because I totally forgot about the internal monitor that was strapped to her head. 

Looking back, I think they probably were only giving me a few pushes to get her out before sending me for a c-section. I think it was a lot more dangerous and scary then anyone let us believe. Because the doctor kept telling me how awesome I was and that she was going to tell EVERYONE that night about how I got 3BB out so quickly!

They put her on my chest and she was crying, and the minute I started talking to her, she quieted down. She knew my voice. And right then and there, I fell in love. And all was right with the world. She was always meant to be my daughter and my life was now complete that she was where she was supposed to be. 

Then I went about delivering the placenta. Which happened REALLY quickly. A lot faster than it should. And then they couldn’t stop the bleeding. They doubled up on the Pitocin (which helps make the uterus contract and help stop the bleeding once the placenta detaches), and I was still bleeding A LOT. 

Turns out that the port in my IV fell out, so when they put in the Pitocin, I never got it. 

All I then remember was the midwife up to her elbows in my uterus and them pushing and pushing on my uterus on the outside to help it contract and get firmer to get back to normal. I had bruises on my stomach for over a week from all the hard pushes.

There was so much blood. I couldn’t really see it, but my mom did and she freaked out a little. But the doctors and nurses never did. They again brought in half the hospital to get me patched up and to make sure the bleeding was under control. It probably took them close to an hour to get it all fixed. I again tried not to panic and was just focused on my new baby.

3BB was taken over to get weighed and measured. She didn’t like it much.

She was a tiny little thing, coming in at 5 pounds, 11 ounces. WAY different than what any of our many ultrasounds predicted. She was officially Small for Gestational Age. But she was perfect. 

As with everything in the whole pregnancy, nothing went according to plan, and 3BB did everything in her own way and on her schedule. 

Internet, meet Elliot Ann, formerly known as 3BB.

Since this post is almost 4000 words, I’ll stop here and continue our story in the next post. 

37 Weeks

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Less than 2 weeks until we see this face in real life!

Scarlet, if you can’t see a baby’s face in this, there is no hope for you and you’re not allowed to read my blog anymore. Ha!

This week that squishy face is the size of a canary melon.

A what now? Apparently it is some kind of yellow melon that I’ve never heard of, but according to Google looks to be about the size of a watermelon, which tracks.

This week I had my last appointment with the diabeetus nurse! My numbers are controlled and I’ve even had to DECREASE the amount of insulin I take each night, so that’s great news. (This is all very normal as the placenta stops working as much in the latter weeks of pregnancy.) 

We have reached the no pants portion of doctor’s appointments. My cervix is still the same, about 1 cm dilated. The doctor also said 3BB’s head is in a good position, she could feel it. So that’s half the battle. 

They hooked me up to the NST monitors, sans pants, which was about as uncomfortable as it sounds. In shock to NO ONE, 3BB failed the NST again and we were off across the hall to the ultrasound. The one good thing about having a reputation is that they don’t even try very long with the NST before just sending me for an ultrasound. 

This week 3BB decided to NAP during the ultrasound, though. So my normally quick ultrasound took a bit longer. But we got to see her squishy face, so I forgive her. Drinking a few sips of cold water and a few taps to her butt and she woke up and performed all her tasks. We’ll have to see what this coming week holds! Never a dull moment!

I went over my birth plan with the doctor this week. The doctor I saw this week is the night time on-call doctor the week of February 7, which is when I’ll be induced. So I figured discussing it with her would be the best option. 

It didn’t go as well as I had hoped. First off, I’m not trying to be under some notion that I’m going to be this bad ass and refuse all pain medicine in birth. While I’d like to have a natural birth, I’m also a big fan of pain medicine, and not being in immense pain, so I’m allowed to change my mind. BUT, my goal is to try and get to the later part of labor before getting an epidural, because getting an epidural tends to slow labor down. And I’m really trying to avoid a C-section because I’m doing this on my own.

She was very dismissive. I have read A LOT of research about this. None of my decisions I’ve come into on a whim. She just treated me like “well I’m the MD, you’re a layperson, so you’re wrong.” Which I can totally understand in this day and age of Covid. But I’m not trying to say drinking my pee will keep me safe from Covid. I’m just saying that research shows epidurals slow down labor and there is then a slight increase in C-sections in that case. PLUS, I’m old and have diabetes, so this isn’t a typical, healthy pregnancy. There will most likely be limitations on how long you let me labor on my own before intervening. And this is why I was so upset to have to move to the OB practice from the midwives in the first place. 

She also told me that it is damn near impossible to have an unmedicated, natural birth if you’re going to be induced. Which I also know, that induction contractions are generally more intense. But don’t first thing off the bat tell me I CANNOT do something because now I’m sure as shit going to try and do it just to prove your ass wrong.

Huh. I wonder where 3BB gets that stubborn streak from?

Anyway, I just smiled and nodded and then thanked my lucky stars I decided to hire a doula because between the two of us, I’ll have the birth I want, however that ends up happening.

I feel like I now look noticeably pregnant! Granted I don’t go anywhere so it isn’t like people notice, but the paint lady at Home Depot yesterday acknowledged it. 

I wasn’t feeling well the last day or so. It was like waves of really bad nausea and just an overall icky feeling. I’ve heard from several people that this was how they felt before labor started, so I’m wondering if it is imminent. I’m acting like my time is almost up, which is why I finally went to Home Depot to get the paint yesterday! Ha!

We are planning to schedule the induction for Wednesday, February 9, less than TWO WEEKS from now. I’m really hoping to go on my own at least a little before that, but we shall see. As we know, 3BB will do what she wants. But my acupuncturist is on the job and will be doing all her magic juju to help kickstart labor.

It’s almost go time, people!

#3BBOnBoard

36 Weeks

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It’s here! The NINTH and FINAL month of pregnancy! 

This week 3BB is the size of a bunch of kale. Which while I appreciate the size of a bunch of kale (I used to HATE shopping for kale when I was an Instacart shopper because no bunch of kale fits in any plastic produce bag, and those stems will always end up poking out a hole in the bottom of the bag), I also would appreciate something that was heavier this week to correlate to the bowling ball that is in my abdomen.

The What to Expect app also said that this week 3BB is the size of a Tickle Me Elmo doll, which feels apropos with poor Elmo and his plight with Rocco lately.

This week is the week I really started feeling uncomfortable. 3BB is still loving nestling into my ribcage, but now she weighs like 2-3 pounds more, so it’s really not pleasant. It’s also starting to affect my sleep, which if you know me is a BIG deal. I’m a champion sleeper and haven’t really had any sleeping issues so far in this pregnancy. But it is hard to get comfortable at night because she’s getting bigger. And then once I find a comfortable position, it’s time to get up to pee for the 1,000th time of the day. And then being up and moving, makes 3BB decide to change positions and then cycle starts all over again. 

We had another growth ultrasound this week to see how she is measuring. She’s looking great and is in like the 46% percentile right now, at a little over six pounds. They are estimating about 7 pounds, 8 ounces at birth at this point. And yes I already know these can be way off. But the fact that she’s not measuring big is a big deal with diabeetus babies. So she can stay right where she’s at, middle of the road, so she doesn’t hopefully have any complications with delivery.

I also had my first cervical check this week. The doctor last week said to do it, so I mentioned it to this week’s doctor (it changes every week so I can see a majority of the doctors in the practice) and she was skeptical. She was like “well at 36 weeks most first time moms will be super closed up and oh. It looks like you’re about 1 cm dilated.” Take that skeptical doctor!

I figured with the spotting and the fact that I have lost quite a bit of mucus that hopefully something was happening. It doesn’t really mean much, since some women will walk around dilated for weeks, but it means that my body gets it and is getting ready. And if I do have to be induced, it should make it a bit easier that my body is recognizing that labor is coming.

But she still hasn’t dropped, so we know she’s in there for a little while longer at this point. And I’m OK with that. Next week at 37 weeks is considered full term, so I’m happy to keep her in there until at least then, and preferably longer to keep her cooking as much as possible so everything is as mature as can be.

Someone on Facebook asked about more details about coming home outfits and all the fun stuff. I have purchased all those things. (I spent a lot of money online on January 1 when I started spotting and was like “time to shit or get off the pot”.)

Since we don’t really know how big she’ll be when she arrives, I have 2 coming home options. This is the first option, in newborn size, since I think that’s what she will fit in upon arrival.

If for some reason she’s a giant baby and doesn’t fit in that, this is option 2 in size 0- 3 months:

I really loved this one the most, since it is Mommy & Me, which is the truth, the two of us against the world as a team for the rest of time. So that’s why I picked this one in the bigger size because I want to make sure she gets to wear this outfit. 

Next week we will be able to schedule an induction date, so at least I’ll have an “end date”, but knowing our girl, she’ll make her own date, on her own schedule. But in all likelihood, three weeks from this moment, I’ll most likely have a baby! THREE WEEKS!

#3BBOnBoard

35 Weeks

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We are officially less than 30 days out from a baby, people. Less than a month! Like when I say I’m due the 12th, there is only one 12th I’m talking about! The next 12th! EEEEEEP!

This week 3BB is the size of a spaghetti squash.

And look, isn’t a butternut squash from a few weeks back actually bigger than a spaghetti squash? I realize they are running out of options at this point, but it still annoys me. Enough that I found this photo to prove myself right.

And I wonder why my fetus is already so stubborn. Where on Earth could she be getting that from?

Speaking of our stubborn 3BB, she failed her NST this week again. I think there is a note in my chart now that we’re difficult and to just see how it goes for like 25 minutes and then just automatically send me for an ultrasound. Which is fine, and I appreciate it, but the ultrasound slots are always full, which means I have to wait around for hours before they can squeeze me in.

This week I just went home. I’m sure 3BB was mad because she was hoping for those tacos again, but I’m really trying to limit any unnecessary exposure to Covid, and not looking to spend $25 a week on tacos. (Although those tacos are worth it!)

Thankfully next week I already have an ultrasound planned to measure her growth, so they will just do the biophysical profile as well then. And then I’m going to just ask about scheduling ultrasounds for the rest of my appointments, even if I have to cancel, just so it’s not all this waiting or leaving and coming back.

The funny thing is that I’m never worried about her. She moves plenty, but just not within their non-stress test parameters. She will not be forced into your box, modern medicine! And this week’s ultrasound was even quicker than the last one. She loves a camera, this girl of mine!

I feel much bigger these days. She’s really taking up all the room she can now. It’s noticeable when she’s on my right side or my left side, because my bump will get all lopsided. And for the first time since I’ve been pregnant and wearing these pants for the weekly photos, they no longer stay up over the bump anymore. I never thought I’d actually be able to wear the same outfit at 6 weeks pregnant that I am at 35 weeks pregnant! Thanks diabeetus!

My mom sent me this poem the other day and I sobbed for about 20 minutes. I cannot wait to meet this little girl and be her mommy.

#3BBOnBoard

34 Weeks

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 Whooooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea?

This week 3BB is the size of a pineapple, or an applepine, as my almost 20 year old nephew Noah used to call them.

The pineapple has somehow become the symbol of infertility, so there are lots of pineapple things when it comes to IVF and fertility treatments. I don’t know if it is because pineapple core is supposed to aid in implantation or what.

The 34th week of my pregnancy will go down as the most memorable so far.

It started on Saturday, as I was reading my weekly updates about 3BB and the pregnancy and then when I had to pee for the tenth time that morning, I had some brown spotting when I wiped. It wasn’t just a little bit, it was equivalent to what I get right before my period starts. So needless to say, I freaked out and started sobbing.

I called the on-call doctor and she said that as long as it stayed brown (which is old blood) and didn’t turn red or didn’t get worse, it should be fine. Thankfully 3BB was unfazed and moving around like normal, which put me a little at ease. I will never be mad that she is a super active fetus.

I tried not to Google too much about it, but the main point was that it could be the start of the cervix getting ready for labor. But because it wasn’t bright red, the doctor was not concerned.

The spotting stopped a few days later, so things seem OK on that front.

It did serve as a bit of a wake-up call for me. Like I need to really get some shit done, so it forced me to sign up for the hospital tour, an infant CPR/first aid class and start packing the hospital bag. These things were all on my list, but I still had upwards of 6 weeks so I wasn’t in any rush. But the bag is mostly packed, I’ve taken the car seat out of the box and I put in an Amazon order for things I still needed.

Sammi is very excited that getting the room ready means that I’ve added more beds for her to sleep on.

As you can see I’m not remotely close to finishing the nursery, since those are paint samples and wallpaper samples still on the wall. But I at least have primed the wall where the wallpaper is supposed to go. 

Of course that wasn’t even the only memorable thing that happened this week.

I had my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I actually had 2 appointments, one where I met the diabetes doctor (I usually just meet with the nurse, but she wanted me to see the doc too) and then my weekly OB appointment and non-stress test.

This week 3BB was NOT having it. She failed her first test, even before she has been born! I was hooked up to the monitors for about an hour and while her heart rate was fine, she just decided not to move. Or at least when she did move, she didn’t move how they wanted and didn’t get her heart rate to accelerate. 

I tried all the tricks to get her moving – I had coffee, cold water and I kept poking her and telling her to move. None of it worked.

So they took us off the monitor and told me that they wanted to do a BPP, which is a biophysical profile through an ultrasound to watch her and make sure she was moving and that everything was OK. But they couldn’t get me in for an ultrasound until 3:30 PM. It was only just 12:30 at this point.

With time to kill, I decided to take myself to a fancy lunch at a restaurant called Beatrix. And bonus, Chicago recently started requiring all restaurant patrons to have proof of vaccine, so I felt a little better about eating indoors. Plus because this is on the hospital campus, it wasn’t that crowded. 

So we had some amazing barbacoa tacos!

They were delicious and even with all those taco shells, my glucose didn’t spike! (Which was good, since I had just gotten an A+ report from the endocrinologist about how well I was managing my diabeetus. I made sure to let 3BB know that I didn’t fail any tests, just her.)

Well that did the trick, because as soon as I showed up to the office where we get the ultrasounds, she was rolling around like a champ. The minute they put the gel on my belly, she was like “I am so passing this test!”

And she did! With flying colors! The ultrasound tech said “wow, she just did all the movements I needed to see all at once!” She also said it was the shortest BPP ultrasound she’s ever done, since our little stubborn girl was very cooperative! The doctor messaged me later to say she scored an 8 out of 8! So 3BB said I’ll show you how good I can do on tests, mom!

Honestly I wasn’t actually concerned at all. Even when she didn’t move enough on the NST. I knew she was fine, and even the nurse wasn’t concerned. And honestly, after the spotting scare, I was happy to get to see her on the ultrasound and have them measure the fluid and all the other things to make sure they were all in working order. And we got some delicious tacos out of it!

And we get to see her little alien baby face!

I’m starting to put on a few pounds, which is fine. Last week I think I had gone down to only about a 2 pound gain for the whole pregnancy (from 10 pounds gained at 16 weeks) and now I’m up to a 5 pound gain. It’s all 3BB so I’m not even worried at all. I know she’s running out of room in there. 

We will have another growth scan ultrasound in 2 weeks, at 36 weeks, just to see how she’s measuring. And the doctor I met with this week said we can start to look at when we want to induce, since we can schedule it about 10 days out, which is like the end of January! Which will be here before you know it! I’m still not ready!

#3BBOnBoard

33 Weeks

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This week 3BB is the size of a butternut squash and let me tell you, this is the first week where I’m like “yes! Yes, she is exactly that size!” Because that is exactly what it feels like I’m carrying in my abdomen. With that end part of the squash jamming up into my ribcage. She is nothing if not consistent.

We celebrated Christmas on Saturday, just me, 3BB and my mom. It was very low-key and relaxed, just how I wanted it. I made sure to document that 3BB was the present I most wanted under the tree, and that we are all fine with waiting another 7 weeks to meet her!

I had another doctor’s appointment this week, along with another non-stress test. Let me tell you about this kid, she is already 1,000 times more stubborn than her mother.

These tests are supposed to take about 20 minutes. They want 2 occurrences in that 20 minutes of movement from the baby, which accelerates the heartbeat, and then the rest of the time the heartbeat should be at it’s baseline number. 

I was at the doctor for almost 2 hours. 

My appointment was in the afternoon, so I ate right before going, since that usually gets her moving. I also had my ice water with me to wake her up. I even told the nurse that she did well when I was lying on my side last week. All things that should have made this a quick, easy test.

But 3BB is really good at hide and seek. She’d let us monitor her for about 10 minutes, and she’d move around and get the acceleration of the heartbeat that we needed, and then ZOOM, she’d fly off the monitor. She’d find a good hiding place where it was impossible for the technician to even find the heartbeat. It was all just whooshing, which was her just moving around.

Finally the nurse had to just hold the monitor to my belly and follow that little stubborn girl around so that we could get 20 minutes of readings. 

And she’s fine, her heartbeat is fine, she OBVIOUSLY moves around plenty and isn’t under any stress. She’s just fucking with all of us. 

At least I know to not expect to be in and out of these appointments in the future. 

This week I also got to see my friend Ali for the first time in WAY too many years! 

It was just so good to see her and her family. We spent all our time outside, walking along Michigan Avenue, I introduced her to my favorite donut place and then we ended the night at the Zoo Lights. 

All activities as safe as we can, in these Covid times, but one million times worth it! They are like my second family and we just pick up where we left off, not like we haven’t seen each other in five years. I am still smiling all these days later about seeing them. It was good for my soul. I’m so lucky the internet brought us together almost 14 years ago!

The belly keeps growing, although not by much. I actually worried maybe something was up since it seems to just stay the same size, but the doctor measured it this week and it’s still measuring right on track, same as it has been. It sure feels 10 times bigger than this whenever I try to do something, like put on my socks and shoes.

I can’t believe we are heading into the last days of 2021. And I can’t believe even more so that 2022 is the year I become a mother! Finally! I cannot wait!

Happy New Year to all of you and thank you for all your support and love through this journey! I will never be able to express how much it means to me! 

#3BBOnBoard

32 Weeks

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We have entered the eighth month! This week 3BB is the size of a cantaloupe. Which again I’m calling bullshit on because isn’t a cantaloupe like smaller than a coconut? Whatever. Round, heavier things from here on out.

I had an ultrasound and doctor’s appointment this week. I think I mentioned last week that I go weekly now. The biggest reason is to check on 3BB and make sure that because of the diabeetus and my old age, she isn’t in any distress. So they hook me up to a monitor to watch her heart rate. Basically in the span of 20 minutes, there should be two instances of movement where her heart rate rises for about 15 seconds and then goes back down. 

This should only be a 20 minute test, unless the baby either is in actual distress or she’s just being stubborn and deciding to nap. I’ll let you guess which 3BB was.

I brought cold water to make her move. It didn’t work. I drank that whole bottle and she did nothing. For most pregnant women, they give you juice to wake the baby up, but since I have the diabeetus, we can’t do that.

After about 40 minutes, they had me roll over onto my side. I should have suggested this from the start because that’s when she moves the most – when she thinks I am going to sleep. Mama sleep = PARTAY TIME.

Well that did the trick. I rolled over, pretended to sleep and 10 minutes later the nurse came in and said “you’re baby is going nuts!” Yep. 

From now on I’ll just have them start me on my side so I don’t end up there for an hour each time. And because I had the ultrasound before that appointment, and she was so stubborn, I ended up having to pay the non-validated rate for parking! Stubborn 3BB owes me $21! 

Speaking of the ultrasound, of course she was active and cooperative with that. Everything looks good and she’s measuring still in the 35th percentile. The doctor said they estimate she’ll be about 7 pounds, 3 ounces or so at birth. I know that they have no idea really, but I’d take that size. 

She’s head down, so that’s good. I asked the ultrasound tech what body part was making me so uncomfortable and she was like well her butt and her leg. She’s doing downward dog on my cervix and her ass is in my diaphragm and her leg is trying to tuck itself under my ribcage. As soon as the tech touched my belly and said “this is her butt” it was right where the discomfort was.

It’s a good thing she’s already so cute!

I had acupuncture over the weekend and mentioned the whole not breathing thing and even my acupuncturist was like “little girl, mommy’s got a long torso, move down! You’ve got plenty of room!” But she just wants to snuggle herself into where it is nice and warm. 

I lost a pound and a half in the last 4 weeks from my last appointment. And they measured my A1C and it’s the lowest it has been in years. So as much as I hate this diet sometimes, it’s actually just going to make postpartum healthier. Hopefully. Who knew it would take pregnancy to figure out the healthiest way for me to eat and lose weight? And I’m not talking about crash diets and needing to be a certain weight/size. I’m talking about being healthy so that 3BB has me around for many, many years to come. 

But she is definitely in there and growing! This photo gives a much better representation to how it feels lately, since even with a small bump, she’s still taking up lots of room! Now at least the rest of the world can see!

The doctor told me they will induce me between 39 weeks + 0 days and 39 weeks + 6 days. They can’t schedule until 10 days out. I’m hoping to go naturally before then. But if I have the choice, I’m choosing 39 weeks + 0 days just so I can breathe without coughing! And get that ass out of my lungs!

In all honesty, I will do what is best for her. I want her to cook as long as possible, but also know that older women’s placentas, especially with gestational diabetes, tend to die out earlier than “normal” pregnancies, which can cause a whole host of problems, so I will always do what is best for her. Always.

#3BBOnBoard

31 Weeks

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I think it is round objects from here on out! This week 3BB is the size of a coconut! 

Although I think one week coming up soon is a bunch of kale. And then back to round fruits/veggies. None of it makes any sense. The Bump app had a coconut like 10 weeks ago or something, so *shrug*. Basically 3BB is about 16 inches long and weighs about 3.5 pounds. 

I have another ultrasound on Monday, so I’ll find out more when I go about her estimated weight (although even the ultrasounds are never right). But at least see how she’s fattening up.

I had a call with my diabeetus nurse this week and everything looks good. She asked me what time I usually eat dinner and I told her 9 PM. It’s because when I work GrubHub, I don’t get home until after 8:30, so instead of switching it up, I just eat around 9 PM every night. And she was SHOCKED! She was like “don’t tell anyone else that you eat this late and still have good numbers. You’re an anomaly.” Apparently most people, if they eat a full meal that late, they can’t regulate their sugars and then it screws up their fasting numbers the next day. But I haven’t had any issues, but then again I don’t go to bed until after midnight, so it isn’t like I eat and go right to bed. But hey! At least one thing with the diabeetus has gone my way!

This past Sunday I had my virtual baby shower! It was just perfect! My friend Jackie did an amazing job planning the whole thing and as much as it sucked to not be in-person, it was actually really nice to have my friends and family from all over the country able to join!

I’m overwhelmed on a mostly daily basis with the amount of love everyone has for me and 3BB. She has NO idea how loved she is already, by so many wonderful people. Thank you all so much, for your love and the gifts and the support! And thank you for coming to the shower, it meant the world to me!

(Side note: That background is still up in my house. I love it!)

Also please note that if you get a thank you card, I tried my best to write legibly, but the carpal tunnel in my right hand really makes writing difficult. I swear, a 4 year old didn’t write those out!

Every year I try and get one new ornament for my Christmas tree. So this year, I of course wanted to highlight my present that is on the way. I was so happy! It turned out perfectly! 3BB will be memorialized forever!

I also finally got around to putting together some of the nursery furniture. It took several days because while I’m not HUGELY pregnant, there is still a three pound coconut living in my belly who makes things a lot harder. But the bookshelf and the dresser are done, so I can start filling them, and washing clothes and getting ready for her to make her appearance!

I showed off my belly to everyone at the shower. I still think it looks like I just ate a really big lunch, but I definitely feel hugely pregnant any time I try to bend over.

As much as I want to be obviously pregnant, I’m also going to be thankful postpartum that I can still fit into all my yoga pants.

Next week I start going to the doctor every week for non-stress tests. It’s basically hooking you up to monitors to make sure the baby is moving enough, but not in any kind of distress. I’m happy to have weekly monitoring because while she is super active and is always reassuring me, I also want to make sure she cooks as long as possible!

I know I’m a broken record, but IT IS GETTING REALLY CLOSE, GUYS!

#3BBOnBoard

30 Weeks

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30 weeks! Holy crap! Where did the time go? It’s like you’re sitting in the teens weeks and 40 seems so far away and then BAM! It’s almost effing January!

I’m so not ready! But to be fair, I never will be. But the anxiety is creeping in, FOR SURE. A tiny little human is going to rely on me for everything! OUTSIDE THE WOMB!

It probably didn’t help matters that this week I had my prenatal meeting with my doula, which was amazing! But it was going over labor and birthing positions and decisions to be made and breastfeeding, etc. So the realness of this is all very front of mind. Which is probably better than living in denial, which is what I’ve mostly been doing.

Anyway, this week 3BB is the size of a bunch of broccoli. I’m just going with all the fruits and veggies from here on out because she’s really just fattening up. She’s probably getting close to about how long she’s going to be, she’s just adding in the pounds. And hopefully adorable baby chub rolls!

I had my mom join the doula meeting and I think it was really helpful for all of us. I’m really excited for my mom to get to be there and experience it, but I also want her to enjoy and experience it and not have to be the one making decisions. So it was nice that she got to meet my doula and loved her as much as I do. Plus we both got some ideas on how it will all seemingly go down. I’m again very, very happy with my decision to hire her. And I’m sure I will be even more so grateful after giving birth!

One of the things we talked about was how to properly co-sleep, since every new parent says they won’t do it, but then it is inevitable that you end up doing it, so it is important to do it safely. And we talked about how to set up the bed, etc., and that also I shouldn’t do it if I’ve taken Benedryl or drugs or am drinking. And I was like “wait, I can’t drink water if we co-sleep? I thought you just said to stay hydrated.” She meant ALCOHOL. Shows you just how far from my mind booze is these days! My how things change! 

3BB is still moving around like crazy. Her kicks and/or punches are getting much stronger. She’s still loving to jam whatever part of her body up into my rib cage. The new side effect from this is that she’s squishing my diaphragm and it’s harder to breathe and then I start coughing. Which is not good when it’s Covid Times and coughing is the sign of the Plague.

I went with a friend and her family to a lights fest kind of thing at the botanic garden. It was very pretty and added bonus is I got to see her little baby, who is not so little anymore! She has been an amazing resource because her little guy is 6 months old so all the newborn stuff is fresh in her mind. 

It was nice to get out and do something, but boy did my body tell me afterwards how displeased it was. I was sore and uncomfortable and exhausted. Duly noted, body. I’ll take it easy the next 8-9 weeks.

I keep waiting for my bellybutton to pop out. Every week I think it is getting close and then it just stays an innie. Not that I care either way, it just seems inevitable.

Lulu even made an appearance on the bed in this week’s photo. As you can see, she’s already so embarrassed by me and the shit I share on the internet she had to turn away from the camera. If you only knew, cat, if you only knew.

Other than that, things are good. I’ve started putting together nursey furniture, which is not the easiest at 30 weeks pregnant. The belly isn’t that big, but it sure does get in the way! My glucose numbers have been good, so all is good on the diabeetus front. I go back to the doctor at 32 weeks and then start going weekly after that. And then it will be baby time!

#3BBOnBoard